Another one of my awsome comics

Long Face

School Rules the way they should be

School Code of Rules and Regulations

Dress Code:

- Girls- Dressing like a whore or stripper is unacceptable. If any girl is found dressed this way, she will be dealt with privately in the principle’s office.

- School girl outfits are acceptable.

- Fat girls are to be fully clothed at ALL times. Violation of this rule is a level 3 felony and will have to be taken up in court.

- Guys can dress however they want. We don’t really care.

Drugs and Alcohol

• Use of drugs or alcohol on school grounds is prohibited. Any drugs or alcohol confiscated by a teacher are to be disposed of in a trash bin near the teacher’s lounge.
• If you bring one joint to class, you must bring enough to share with everyone. Not doing so will result in a letter sent to the parents requesting that the student not be sent back to school until he/she brings enough for the whole class.
• Chemistry class is not for mixing drinks unless it is for educational purposes only, such as the affects of various types of alcohols on the body. Leftovers may be shared with other teachers. Keep the baking soda clearly labeled as baking soda, so as to not confuse it with crack.
• Any syringes confiscated by a teacher are to be given to the school nurse for proper disposal.

Bullying

• Shut up and get over it. This isn’t kindergarten anymore. If anyone is bullying you, get a gun and shoot his ass.

General Code of Conduct

• Servicing oneself in the hallways is a level 2 felony. Anyone spotted engaging in such an act by a camera will be escorted into a private room by a staff member and may continue under proper supervision and video surveillance.
• Public displays of affection are acceptable only if it is girl on girl.
• Nun jokes are to be told in the presence of nuns. If they think the joke is funny, then it is ok to tell the joke to your classmates. Failure to comply to this rule will result in your name being printed on the “Sinners” list.
• Public displays of anorexia are unacceptable. Eat a sandwich and get your life together.
• Calling someone gay is unacceptable without substantial evidence. Once the evidence is properly examined and the accused is found to be truly gay, you may post his name on the “Sinners” list on the bulletin board in the main hallway.
• Voicing your opinion is prohibited. This is not a democracy. Conform to the rules like everyone else and keep your damn comments to yourself.

Live Broadcast on Monday!

Hey all! I will be doing a live broadcast Monday(nov. 26) at around 3pm EST, so do stop by and check it out. Seriously, it'll be worth it. I'll have jokes, stories, lots of randomness and even a special guest, so don't miss it!

New! I am going to do live broadcasts!

Hey, anyone that is reading this. I am going to try out something new I haven't seen a lot of bloggers do. From time to time I'm going to go live on my webcam, and you can see it right here on my blog, at the top of this page. This is going to be pretty fun to try out. For anyone on the blog now, can you see the video? Also, I'd like some feedback as to what I can do. Right now I have just been talking about a whole bunch of nonsense, really. Hmm... Thats all really, enjoy the live video!

A depressing poem of sorts

I'm not much of a poet, but its 12:25 am right now and I really want to post something compelling and thought-provoking. Something that really represents the human condition. So, here it is.

A Depressing Poem of Sorts

By Gary

I’m so depressed I could beat a cat,

With my metallic baseball bat.

I could walk down the street with pants on my head,

And chew on a piece of poisonous lead.

I’m so depressed I could walk out on my job,

And hang with my friend, “special needs Bob.”

Life means nothing, to me anymore

Because I found out my mom is a whore.

How I aced my job interview at Target/drug test

A few days ago I got a call from target for an interview. So I went in and things went pretty well in my opinion. These are some of the questions I was asked and my responses to them.

Interviewer - Why do you want this job?
Me- Well, lets just say my current living arrangement depends on it. Seriously, if I don't get a job my parents will kick me out of the house. Think about it. Would you want me getting kicked out of the house on your conscience?

Interviewer - Tell me about yourself. What are your good qualities?
Me- Well, I can read, I don't have any mental illness, I'm not an alcoholic, and I have good hygiene.

Interviewer - Think of a time when you got into an argument with someone. How did you handle it?
Me - As far as arguments go, I like to be non-confrontational. I like to rationalize, you know, get to the root of the problem. Like this one time I got into an argument with my friend. I decided it was best not to make things worse and I simply agreed with what he was saying. The next day I slipped some drugs into his food right before he was going in for a drug test. He failed the test and was fired from his job. He's uhh... He's not doing so well right now. Apparently addiction runs in his family.

Interviewer - I see...And where did you get these drugs?
Me - Who?

Interviewer - Right.. Never mind. Ok, think of a time when you were working in a group, what was your role in the group or how did you contribute?
Me - There was one time when me and a group of friends tried to break into my neighbor's house. My role was to serve as a lookout at the door and see if anyone was coming. Eventually I saw someone coming so I ran like hell. My friends got arrested for breaking and entering.

Interviewer - Describe a time when you helped someone who needed help even though they didn't ask for it.
Me - Hmmm.... can I tell you about all the times I didn't help people who did ask for it?

Interviewer - Think of a time when you had to make a change you didn’t like, what was it and how did you deal with it?
Me - Well, one time my family was preparing for a fancy event and my mom told me to change my pants. I felt the ones I was wearing were just fine and did not require changing. I refused to change them and my parents went without me.

Interviewer - Think of a time when you were in a group and someone wasn’t doing their part, how did you handle it and what happened?
Me - Ok. There was one time when we had to do a project for school, it was a video project. And every time we had our meetings to do the video, one person would not show up. So eventually I had to call him and tell him to haul his ass over or he was out of the group. He was uhh.. pretty heavy on the mind altering substances at the time.

Thats all I can remember from the interview. They thought it over and felt I was perfect for a position as cashier. All that was left was doing a mandatory drug test. So, the next day I drove over to the lab and did the test. Some interesting things I noticed. First, the lady made me empty my pockets before going into the bathroom. Why is this necessary? Does she think I secretly have a vile of clean urine stashed in my pocket? Yeah, I keep a couple viles of frozen urine in my freezer just for these occasions. Well, I emptied my pockets and she handed me the cup, telling me in a stern voice "you have three minutes." This scared me for a second. What if I can't provide in three minutes? What happens then? I really don't like to be pressured when it comes to stuff like this. Bathroom time is the only time I get to just relax and enjoy some quiet. Lucky for me, I had finally mastered the ancient technique of urinating on command, and filled the cup to the minimum level, saving the rest for later. And thats basically whats been going on the past few days. I am waiting now for them to call me and give me a date for the next orientation.

Weird Art

I've decided I'm going to try something new, which I like to call 'weird art'. Every week I am going to make some sort of weird or abstract thing, call it art, and post it here. For anyone reading this, participation is encouraged. Have some fun and unleash your creativity for once! Make something random and crazy, send it in and I'll post it here, along with a link to your blog or website if you have one. Anything can be considered art, as long as you put a little effort into it. So, here it is, the very first piece of 'Weird Art'.

I bet your cat can't do this

This is a video I took of my cat on my cellphone a while ago. I don't let him go outside anymore.

How cool are you? Take this survey and find out!

This is a survey to find out how cool you are. Answer every question with a 1 for Yes or Agree and a 2 for No or Disagree.

How cool are you?

1. You like to listen to rock music -
2. You have over 50 friends -
3. You pee sitting down -
4. You have a friend(thats a dude) who pees sitting down -
5. You have a friend that tells you he pees sitting down -
6. You like to intimidate old people -
7. You are intimidated by old people -
8. You wear a leather jacket all the time, regardless of the situation -
9. You like the smell of coffee in the morning -
10. The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.-
11.Peter piper picked a pickled pecker pepper porcupine(say it five times fast.)-
12. A pie in the sky is a fly in your eye(I don't know what this means either) -
13. You like to lick mysterious stains -
14. Testicles. This made you laugh -
15. You have Britney Spears exposing the doors to her baby chamber as your desktop background -
16. You have more than 50 greenlit articles on Fark.com -
17. You spend more than 10 minutes on myspace -
18. Toilet -



To find your total score, use this formula:

B is your score for all the odd numbers, A is the even numbers, and C is 2.

What does your score mean? It means you have just wasted 5 minutes of your life on the dumbest survey ever. You are now 10 IQ points dumber for having taken this survey.

P.S - Now you must send this to 15 other people within the next 24 hours. If you don't, a leprechaun will break into your house at night and rape you. Seriously. Don't ask me how I know this.

Weird Phobias

I was bored today so I decided to look up some phobias, and I sure found some weird ones.

Doxophobia- Fear of expressing opinions
Joe-"So Bob, whats your opinion on this?"
Bob-"I'm afraid I can't tell you Joe."
Joe-"Oh come on, I won't be offended."
Bob-"No really, I have a fear of expressing opinions."
Joe- "Yeah? Well you weren't afraid to tell everyone you thought my wife was sleeping around with other men".
Bob -"Well, that was a fact."

Cacophobia- Fear of ugliness
"Its nothing personal. He is just afraid of you because you are ugly."

Catoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors
A sure sign that whomever has this must be a vampire.

Chronomentrophobia- Fear of clocks
Salvador Dali's painting makes sense now.
His painting is clearly an expression of the
nightmares he had about clocks as a child.

Epistemophobia- Fear of knowledge
Wow, you would have to be pretty stupid to have this fear.

Euphobia- Fear of hearing good news
Doctor - Jeff, I have something to tell you.
Jeff - Yes, Doctor? Is it about my wife?
Doctor - Yes, I'm afraid I have some good news.
Jeff - Oh, god, no!

Eurotophobia- Fear of female genitalia
I wonder how the treatment for this one works. "You must face your fears John....."

Geniophobia- Fear of chins
Jay Leno must be the ultimate monster for anyone that has this fear.

Lockiophobia- Fear of childbirth
Can men have this?

Menophobia- Fear of menstruation
.....Can men have this?

Proctophobia- Fear of rectums
"And what do you see in these dreams?"
"Rectums, everywhere!"
"I see...."

Walloonphobia- Fear of the Walloons
What the heck is a walloon?

Well thats it. I hope you enjoyed reading it. There are tons more, I just found those to be particularly interesting.

Classmate speech Evaluation

Speech Topic - Sparta

Use of Visual Aids:

I think the visual aid was pretty effective. It was a video clip from the movie “300”, which was a damn good movie in my opinion. The action sequences were pretty awesome, and I especially liked the fat guy with the crab hands who decapitated everyone. That guy was badass!

Introduction:

Quite honestly, his introduction was awful. His attention getter was crap. It barely got my attention at all. Now, if his attention getter was literally a piece of crap, then that would have been totally nasty. What he should have done was yell “This is Spartaaaaaaaa!” And then proceed to stab the nearest person with a javelin. Now that would have been some attention getter. That also would have been a great way to connect with the audience. In this way, the audience could relate to the fear that a Persian might have felt just before being stabbed with a javelin in battle. He also established his credibility and previewed his main points, none of which I paid any attention to.

Body:

The main bulk of his speech was so boring, I had to jab myself in the neck with a pencil just to keep myself awake. Now I have an infection. The only interesting thing about his speech was when he stepped away from the podium and everyone noticed his zipper was open. That must have been embarrassing. And he noticed it too, because after he stepped back behind the podium he tried to nonchalantly slip one hand behind the podium to zip up his pants while holding his note cards in his other hand and talking about the Peloponnesian war. And yes, he cited his sources and all that other crap

Conclusion:

In conclusion, this is one of the worst speeches I have ever heard. He talked in such a slow monotonous voice I thought I could feel time slowing down. His eye contact was alright I guess. What he could have done though, was to get those cool eye contacts that make your eyes look like cat eyes or something. That would have been pretty neat. He had barely any sort of conversational tone. He was about as enthusiastic as Steven Hawking talking about anything.

Overall Delivery:

I already discussed this. No need to do it twice.

Rating:

Overall, he did a really great job…in putting me to sleep. I would give this speech a -2 out of 10. He never yelled “This is Spartaaaa!” which is something I would have expected. The only good thing about his speech was the video clip he showed, which technically doesn’t count as part of his speech.

Words of consolation

Uhh.. Just disregard my previous post for anyone who has read it. And if you are reading this first, don't even bother scrolling to read the next post. Just skip it entirely. Instead, enjoy this crappy little comic I just drew in MS Paint.

Nothing but stupid.....

Is pretty much how I am feeling right now. Ugh... Does nothing ever go right for me? I think I should call this blog "everything is crap and nothing ever goes right". I think I would break 100 posts before the month is even over if that was the theme. Hmm... Maybe I should explain why I am feeling this way right now. Its a bit strange really, how it started. Well, a few days ago I had a dream about a girl I knew from high school. Dreams are a funny thing, aren't they? I forgot about this girl a long time ago. She was in one of my classes in junior year and we were in a SAT class together for a few weeks. We didn't really have much interaction. So, randomly I have this dream where she and I hang out. At least I think it was her. I don't know why, but this dream gave me a really funny feeling, and all of a sudden I really liked her. So, I tried to find her on myspace. No luck there, even though she once told me she had one. Eventually I found her on facebook and sent her a message. Then I looked at her profile. One thing I noticed was her college graduation year was listed as '10. So, when I was in my junior year she was already in her senior year, which I didn't know at the time. Well, the deal breaker came when I saw it said she was engaged. Well, now I feel stupid for even bothering to contact her. Its weird though, that feeling left after I found her facebook, but before I read any of her info. I guess its because my memory of that dream is so vague now. But I only found this out after I had contacted her. But seriously though, doesn't she read the statistics? Engaged at 19 or 20? Marriage at that age only leads to a very quick divorce. And thats not a lie, there have been many studies that have shown this to be true. Well, I just feel like an idiot now. Why did I even bother? She is at a completely different point in her life than I am. Anyway... this was just a pointless rant to vent my frustration. Its nice when you can do that sometimes. I will try and write something funny in the next few days. But if anyone has any advice on how to end this, I would appreciate it. She replied to my message, and said she couldn't remember who I was. So I put up a picture myself, and told her I did so. So far, she hasn't replied. Maybe she still won't remember me, and it can end there.

My crazy Story Pt. 2

Well, it was Halloween yesterday. Thats as much as I will say about Halloween. Now, on to the important stuff. Here is part two of my epic tale of how Tom Cruise and the Queen of England tried to take over the world. If you haven't already, read part one first.

Before launching an attack, the Queen decided to negotiate a surrender just for laughs. So she traveled to America once again. Upon landing in Washington D.C, she requested a private chat with Bush and Cheney. "You see, the thing is every country in the world hates America," she said plainly. "If I was to rule, I could make a few changes." Cheney responded by shooting her. Again. That was the last straw in a package of very few straws. The Queen went back to England, and launched the first attack on America.

What followed was the most terrifying event in America history. Chaos broke out as an army giant....vicious...man eating....genetically engineered....Michael Moore clones began attacking innocent people in Florida. Soon they spread out, eating everything in sight and wreaking havok all throughout the country. No one was safe. People trying to get out of the country by plane were too late-the clones had taken over the airports. All traffic was stopped, and navigating the streets was difficult. Some people tried to flee to Mexico, but to no avail. Having heard about the attacks, the Mexican border patrol made sure no one made it past the border. Ironic, isn't it? The clones had taken over, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop them. If only there was someone brave enough to somehow get to England and stop the Queen...But who?

George Bush.....was not going to be one of those people. A day after the attacks began, he was eaten by a clone while trying to escape through the back window of his house. Tragic as it may seem, all hope was not lost. For in the midst of all this chaos, three heroes rose to the occasion.

Oblivious to all that was going on outside, Arnold Schwarzenegger was busy working out in his private gym. A little bit on the chunky side due to his term as governor, he was trying desperately to get back into shape. One of his biggest challenges was maintaining a proper Ass-Mass ratio, which he was measuring just before his frightened agent ran in and gave him the frightening news of the frightening events going on outside. Arnold turned on the TV and saw Cheney delivering a statement saying that it was Tom Cruise and the Queen who had launched the attacks. Arnold knew that it was up to him to once again defeat evil and save the world. But first, he would have to assemble a team to help him in his quest. And so, gathering a large assortment of baked goods, he headed out to find the only two people he knew who could help him: Lindsey Lohan, for her amazing ability to disappear by turning sideways, and Hugh Grant, to translate.

Finding Lindsey wasn't difficult. After searching through some malls and shopping centers, he accidentally found her when he tripped over a rock and fell near a crack in the ground. It turns out she had fallen through it a week ago, and no one noticed. After helping her get out, Arnold told her it was up to them to stop the invasion at it's source. She agreed, and they quickly set out to find Hugh Grant, while at the same time evading hordes of fiendish clones. By the time they got to Hugh's house, Arnold had thrown his last donut. Hugh let them in, and Arnold told him of his plans to stop Tom and the Queen. Hugh agreed to help, and this unlikely team of heroes began their journey to England.

Why I hate making phone calls

Well, its not so much that I hate making phone calls, its just that every time I call someone things always seem to go wrong. For some reason I can never recognize the voice of the person who picks up the phone. I don't know why. There is face blindness, and there is phone voice blindness. And for people who have face blindness, you know how hard it can be. Sometimes regardless of who picks up the phone, I ask if I can speak to the person whom I wish to talk to. Other times, I think I know who it is and just start talking while the other person is confused as hell. Then I realize my mistake, quickly hang up, and sit in a corner and feel stupid. This could last anywhere from 10 minutes to many many hours until I can finally move on. A recent example:

*dials number*.....
Mysterious Voice: Hello?
Me: Hey, whats up?
Mysterious Voice: Uh... hi?
Me: So.. whats going on?
Mysterious Voice: Who is this?
Me: Oh, what.. Err.. this is Gary.*Now I start to panic* Uhh... are you Chris, is Chris there?
Mysterious Voice: (What I Heard) This is his girlfriend. (What he really said) He is with his girlfriend.
Me: *Thinking he said the former, as a joke* Very funny, you are not.
Mysterious Voice: What?
Me: Oh, you said.. He is with his girlfriend?
Mysterious Voice: Yeah.
Me: Oh, well I don't know when to call back. I'm just calling to say happy birthday, because its his birthday today, if you can just tell him I called.
Mysterious Voice: Ok, I'll tell him you called.
*Click*

So, who was this mysterious voice? It was his dad. I thought about it after the call, and it definitely sounded like his voice. My friend has some brothers too, which is why I was confused at first. I thought it might have been one of his brothers who had answered the phone. They like to joke around, which is why I heard "this is his girlfriend" and didn't think much about it. I'm sure his dad doesn't have that kind of sense of humor. Overall, that was a pretty awkward call, which is the point I'm trying to make. Now I feel like sitting in that corner. I don't know, maybe I am thinking too much into this? Maybe I just need to work on my communication skills a little more. Oh well, whatever.

If you could interview God.....

Well, this really feels like a professional blog now, because, for no reason whatsoever, I am going to promote a book. This book sounds like a really great read. It's called "The Louie/God Interviews (What The Big Fella Really Thinks About Man And The Universe)" by Louie Lawent. Here is a neat description of the book: Are the days of "God speaks to Man" a relic of the past? Not according to Louie Lawent, who at the turn of the new millennium landed a series of exclusive interviews with The Supreme Being. Louie grills God about his checkered career, but it's done benignly and a frustrated Creator makes a good case for himself - well, most of the time. The interviews cover biblical happenings, His propensity to smite, evolution, pop culture, and a God who believes He's the victim of a disinformation campaign. It's "The Far Side" meets "The Thinker" meets the "Frat Boy." A God who considered creation "a good day in the hood."

What Hollywood director would God choose to direct his life story? What part do the Three Stooges play in the Rapture? What about his pet peeves? How do Americans amaze God? What's his favorite political joke? Did the aliens really land at Roswell? A God not exactly enamored by the human race.

Louie: What is your real opinion of people?

God: They're like radio songs that are fine for the car ride home, but you'd never purchase them to be part of your master collection.

Louie: Do you have a guidebook to help make your decisions on Judgment
Day?

God: The Starr Report is any good God's starting point.

God remarks, "I don't think I could be elected God. I'd lose to some would-be savior who said, 'Read my lips - No more sense of shame.' We have occasional pep rallies in heaven. While years ago they sang rousing psalms of 'God for eternity' now I get a qualified endorsement of '4 more years, 4 more years.'"

Also, I got an exclusive e-mail interview with the man himself who interviewed the man himself:

First, the basic question. What inspired you to write this book?
"I'm probably no different than many people in that I've wondered if there truly is a God. Do we believe in the truthfulness of the writers of the bible. Science tells us the world is 13 to 14 billion years old, while the bible tells us that the world is less than 7000 years old. How can this be reconciled? I find it interesting that in the 2nd Epistle general of Peter, a verse says "For we have not followed cunningly devised fables, when we made known unto you the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, but were eyewitnesses of his majesty." So, even then there were concerns of whether fact or fiction was in play. But, in addition to my deep philosophical questions, I've always had an absurd sense of humor so the thought of combining my interest in God and the craziness of our world proved irresistible."

When you first contacted God, how did he feel about the interview?
"First of all, it took forever to talk to Him. I had to jump through a lot of hoops. I was vetted by His investigators, but eventually I won them over. God wanted an advance copy of the questions but I was firm and told him "Louie don't play that." He was concerned that the intent of the interview was to show Him in a bad light. I assured him that I simply wanted Him to have a forum to express His views. It was either me or the NY Times and He knew he'd get a fairer hearing from me. He was fed up with their editorials."

Before the interview, what were your expectations? In the end, did it turn out how you expected, or did you get some surprises?
"One thing that surprised me was His description of what He looked like when He was born. It was shocking. Your readers will have to find out for themselves once they read the book. I don't want to spoil it for them."

How was it interviewing the big guy himself? Were you a little starstruck at first?
"Yes I was starstruck. The biggest interview I snared before this was a slow-moving milkman with a bad case of fungus."

In your interview with God, did he at all mention Jesus? What has he been up to these days besides appearing in fence posts and sandwiches? Whats the deal with that anyway?
"Jesus is on a sabbatical. As far as the fenceposts, God had no comment."

How do you think people will view God after reading this book? Do you think their opinion will change, and if so for better or for worse?
"I think people will have a deeper belief in God. They will see how tough the Big Guy has it. He gets grief from all sides."

Now that you've interviewed God, who will be next on your list? Maybe....Satan perhaps?
"The milkman's wife."

And thats pretty much it. Exciting stuff, I think. So if you are interested, go and check out his book.

Bio & Book Info: Louie is also the author of "Gerty the Pig". A co-written pop rock song of his, entitled "Pop Star" (performed & co-written by Billy Livesay) is currently being played on U.S. radio stations. "The Louie/God Interviews (What The Big Fella Really Thinks About Man And The Universe)" is available online at Amazon and Barnes&Noble and may be ordered at your local book store. Check out his myspace page at www.myspace.com/louielawent

Global Warming - The Silent Killer

This is a rough draft of my paper on global warming. Enjoy.

The environment is a serious issue which should not be taken lightly. Without the environment, many life-forms would not be able to exist, including humans. Humans need the environment to survive, but paradoxilicilaly they are also destroying it. One aspect of the environment that is being destroyed is the atmosphere. This destruction of the atmosphere can be called Global Warming (dun dun dun… scary music). Global warming is the warming of the global temperature. (This is all I can think of, so here is the thesis statement.) The future effects of global warming on the environment could be devastating if the U.S and other developed countries do not take certain measures to reduce emissions of harmful gasses into the atmosphere.
What is global warming? Repeating myself, global warming is the warming of the earth’s global temperature. Once again, for clarification, it is the warming of the earth’s global temperature. Al Gore did a documentary on Global Warming (dun dun dun.. scary music) called “An inconvenient truth”. In this documentary, Al Gore talks about this phenomenon and discusses its effects. During the movie, he rode in this really cool elevator thing which he used to show how high the temperatures went up over a long period of time. He went up pretty high, so that’s saying something. There is also something called the greenhouse effect. This effect demonstrates the basics of Global Warming (dun dun dun.. scary music). So, here is the way this works. It really is pretty simple. Not a hard concept to grasp. In this greenhouse effect, there is a glass house( in which, as you know, stone throwing is discouraged) and in this glass house are various plants. The sun heats up the inside of the house, and the glass keeps the hot air from escaping. This is how global warming works, only humans are the plants. But what are the plants then? Well, that is a subject for a different paper. Now that you understand the concepts of Global Warming (dun dun dun.. scary music) I will discuss how it affects us humans and animals and other stuff too.
What sorts of things has global warming affected? Well, as Al Gore stated,"Global warming will be the greatest environmental challenge in the 21st century." In my opinion, I agree with this statement. Anyway, what has global warming affected? For one thing, it has melted the ice caps( icecaps.com). It has also melted a lot of icebergs and such. This is both good and bad. A good thing is that now we can have another Titanic and not have to worry about hitting an iceberg. But a bad thing is that the ice melts into water, which adds to the water already there and this could cause floods and thousands dead(that was a sentence fragment, and no, I will not consider revising it). Another thing global warming affects is weather. Some sources say global warming has resulted in stronger storms. This is evidenced by the stronger storms we have had in recent years. Also,(insert some data and statistics here). This basically proves everything I have stated so far.
Global warming also has serious effects on other things as well. One of these seriously affected things is animals/plants. How exactly does global warming affect these things? Well, for one thing, the flooding in Antarctica due to global warming has already drowned thousands of penguins and polar bears. Think of all those poor penguins. Their life is hard enough as it is, what with having to make a trip all the way across Antarctica to birth their babies, and then this global warming happens and makes things even harder.
Not only are animals affected, but plants are affected as well. Some plants can only thrive in a certain climate. Because of global warming, the temperature rises and the plants either have to adapt or they die out. This in turn causes a domino effect. If the plants die, then the animals who eat those plants die as well. The natural balance of nature is disturbed, which causes a wormhole to open up in the middle of the earth and suck everything into it.
What are some possible ways to combat global warming? Well, physically there is no way, because global warming is not a single entity. But there may be ways to thwart global warming by not giving it what it feeds on. Namely, carbons dioxide. More and more of these carbons are entering the atmosphere and feeding global warming. Global warming in turn digests this and excretes a gas which traps heat. Once we stop feeding global warming, it will shrivel up and die. So, where does global warming get its nourishment? From us humans, of course. From our cars, our power stations, and aerosol cans. If we can find a ways to regulate the expansion of these gases, maybe we could stop global warming in its tracks, and eventually run it off the tracks and into a ditch from which it will never be able to get out of.
In conclusion, everything I said is true and was in no way made up, fabricated, or exaggerated. If you don’t believe me, just look/go to www.google.com and look it up. Its all there.

Some toilet humor

Ok, So here I am sitting at my computer in my room minding my own business. I hear my dad coming out of the bathroom. Suddenly he busts into my room. "Have you been in the bathroom lately? Go in there and smell it." You can probably imagine what I was thinking. "Look dad, I know you are proud of everything that comes out of your body, but I really wish you would keep these things to yourself." Ok, I didn't really say that. But I was certainly thinking it. What really happened was I went inside and found the smell was coming from the cat's litter box. Go figure. I am so used to that smell I don't even notice when the cat drops an especially pungent deuce. I cleaned it up and that was the end of that. But the image of my dad yelling "go smell your bathroom" right after coming out of there will forever stay with me as the most hilarious thing ever.

Fire alarms, pizza, and copy machines

Lets see... Lots of interesting stuff going on.

• First, I stayed up 'till 2 a.m Wednesday working on a term paper. Ugh. Procrastination is the worst. I think procrastination should be classified as a mental illness. I think it would be fair to say about someone, "I'm afraid there is nothing we can do for him, m'am. He is suffering from a very serious case of procrastination." And then maybe in ten or twenty years they will develop a vaccine. Yeah, right.

• Anyway, the next morning I got to college early so I could photocopy all my sources. As usual, I had some trouble with the copy machine. Sometimes the pages came out with words cut off from either the top of the page or the left side. At other times the damn thing spit out a huge sheet that had both pages of the book on it when I only wanted to copy one. Eventually the copy machine got jammed so I went on to the one next to it. Things were going well until a man and a girl came over to use the jammed machine. Naturally, I didn't say anything as they unsuspectingly came up to it and attempted to use it. Very soon they realized something wasn't working and tried to figure out what was wrong with it. As for me, I innocently stood there copying my pages, trying to ignore them. What was I supposed to say? "Uhh.. yeah, hey, I broke that one. Sorry". They even asked me if I knew anything about copying machines. I said I didn't. But they got it working in the end.

• Thursday was also health day at the college. They were giving massages and handing out some free stuff, like deodorant and tampons, for which there was a big line. They were also giving out Italian ices and pizza. Pizza, of all foods to give out on health day. Thats just something that puzzled me. Well, actually they give out pizza at every event, but this time it just didn't seem to fit. But I guess pizza is pretty much a universal food. It can be served on any occasion. Hanukkah? Pizza. Thanksgiving? Pizza. Weddings? Screw the shrimp cocktails, bring on the pizza! But what about funerals? Damn right, there better be pizza. Well, you get the point.
  

• And finally, someone allegedly pulled the fire alarm during my science class. Ridiculous isn't it? We are in college and someone is still pulling the fire alarm. I heard that when you pull the alarm it sprays ink onto your hand. Thats pretty cool, but thats not really useful. What if the perpetrator simply puts their hands in their pocket? Or, what if he has already foreseen this scenario and has some moist towelettes ready for quick ink removal? That just doesn't work. What they really need to do is lace the handle with a flesh-eating bacteria. Ha, lets see anyone try and wash that off. This will easily expose the perpetrator. All you have to do is look for the guy with the nasty dilapidated hand.

Well thats all for now, part 2 of my story will be posted soon if anyone cares.

A timeless classic

How Tom Cruise and The Queen of England Tried to Take over the World - Pt 1

It all started on quiet Saturday morning. The Queen of England had flown in to Washington D.C to discuss international affairs with the President. At the same time, Tom Cruise's new movie Misson Impossible III premiered in theatres. All was going well until Bush suggested he and Cheney take the Queen on a hunting trip. Seeing as it was a Saturday and the Queen didn't have any other plans, she agreed. That's when it all started. First Bush offended the Queen when he asked if she had any "wang money" he could add to his coin collection. And then he started "Santa Claus is Coming to Town". Needless to say, it all went down the crapper when Dick Cheney shot the Queen. His excuse? From far away she looked like a mountain lion. Anyone would be furious if they got shot, and the Queen was no exception. After extensive facial reconstruction surgery, she packed all her things and stormed off back to England. The next day, she declared war on America.
Things weren't going well for Tom Cruise either. MI3 didn't do so well in the box office, and Tom's image was further soiled by his antics on 'Oprah', where he ate an entire sofa cushion. Angry at the world and with nothing left to lose but his dignity, Tom decided to take over the world and make everyone follow Scientology. But first he had to figure out a plan. So he gathered all ten followers of Scientology and told them his idea....He was on his own from then on. What would he do without his followers? Tom had to think. So he went to his house, gathered a bunch of random crap and started rearranging it into different shapes. First he made a T. Then he made a P. Finally after several more attempts he made a Q. Thats when his ceiling collapsed onto his head and, after extensive facial reconstruction surgery, Tom decided to join forces with the Queen and take over America. And so Tom packed his bags and flew to Germany. Then he realized he was in the wrong place and a day later finally arrived in England. The Queen was highly guarded, so Tom had to utilize all the skills he learned from making his mission impossible movies to break in. After several failed attempts to recreate the stunts he did in his movies, Tom realized that this was real life. So instead he simply went in through the front door. Conveniently, the Queen was a big fan of Tom Cruise's movies and let him in. Tom was glad to meet the Queen and didn't waste any time getting to business. After some tea and crumpets, Tom laid out his plans for the Queen. This is what his plan consisted of so far:

Planz to take ovr the Wurld by Tom Cruise
Step 1. Take over World
Step 2. Profit

And with that, they began their takeover.

What is going on today?

A rarity occurred today the likes of which I have never seen. Some person was rude to the professor in two of my classes today. The first instance happened in my environmental science class. A woman's cell-phone rang so she ran out of class to take the call(kind of rude there, but thats not really the issue). When she comes back the professor asks to see her after class. Then all of a sudden this loudmouth woman sitting next to me yells out, "why doesn't she have to leave class? That other girl had to leave class when her cell phone rang. Thats discrimination". And at that point I just thought to myself, 'oh, here we go....' The professor calmly asks her to leave as she is being rude. The woman refuses and continues on, "I'm not leaving. You can call security and give me a zero, I know the drill. I'm not moving".
Why?? Why must people behave this way? In what manner does this concern her at all? If the girl who had to leave when her cellphone went off felt it was some sort of discrimination, she could talk to the professor privately after class and resolve the issue. Who does this woman think she is, some sort of hero or vigilante, who stands up for the little guy? No, this is a woman who didn't take her crazy pills before coming to class. Now, I am not some teacher's pet or anything, who always gets straight A's and defends the teacher no matter what. But the man never raises his voice. He is never rude to any student, and treats everyone with respect. So why disrespect him in such a manner and waste everyone else's class time? He had to leave for about ten minutes to go get the Dean or someone who later came into class and asked to speak to the woman in private.
This is not middle school or high school. That woman is about 40 years old. Her daughter goes to the same college. And yet she behaves in such an immature way. While talking to someone else she suggested "if that guy wants to read his newspaper, he should be allowed to read his newspaper". Yes, why don't we all just do our own thing while the professor draws doodles on the board. Ridiculous. So thats that story.
The other one isn't really important. The point is, if you have some sort of problem, don't make a spectacle of yourself arguing with the teacher in the middle of class. Or something like that.

Some more thoughts I just thunk up

I have to do an informative speech soon and I haven't decided on a topic yet. I do have a few ideas though. So far I am juggling between bird flu, leprosy, flesh eating bacteria, and venereal diseases. My decision will pretty much be based on which search results will yield the funniest pictures.

I've noticed that a lot of the time when people are angry at each other they start yelling and spewing profanities. This is definitely the wrong way to deal with your emotions. Yelling and getting all stressed and frustrated will get you nowhere. As soon as you start getting angry at someone, just imagine yourself on a beautiful sandy beach, burying the person you are angry at. Or, just think about the many ways you could murder this person in his/her sleep. So the next time you are in an argument and you notice the person you are arguing with suddenly gets a big smile on their face, don't worry. He/she is probably just thinking about how you get stabbed in the ass with a rusty fork whilst showering.(Please note - Not recommended for people with impulsive personalities.)

Here's something I bet y'all didn't think about. Out of all the greek gods and goddesses, there is not one mention of the Goddess Hermaphroditee. We all know about the goddess Aphrodite, so why no mention of her brother/sister? Its not fair, really. Just because of his/her condition he/she gets less respect and recognition than the other gods. Perhaps there weren't that many hermaphrodites back then that required Hermaphroditee's services. Or maybe thats how hermaphrodites originated, from Hermaphroditee her/himself, and because of that he/she got shunned by the other gods. Maybe someone should write a story about this. "Hermaphroditee, God or Goddess? Could be both".

Hmm... thats pretty much it for now. More to come in the next few days.

Life lesson #109

Never leave your artwork within reach of children. Ever.

What the People are Saying

Although this blog is fairly new, I have already gotten some emails from people telling me what they think of my blog. And.... well, some of the comments are a bit disheartening, some are nice, and some are just plain bizarre. Here is what the people have been saying:

• "Dude, cool blog yo. Rock on!" - Timmy G. Thanks Tim, I appreciate that.
• "Ok, so its like this. I like what yur saying, but like, what does it all mean? What does anything mean? wHY are we even here? Damn... im high right now. peace. - Michael B. Ok.. well.. thanks for the kind words Mike.
• "I'm stealing all of your ideas for my next book and there isn't anything you can do about it! Ha!" - Brad Writerson. Ok. Its going to be a pretty crappy book though.
• "Hi, very best blog! I recommend Vanx Brand penis enlargement pills. They are cheapest and work great!" - No name. So... to which of my posts is this referring to?
• "Your blog arouses me sexually" - Tina. Hmm.. not quite sure how to take this one.
• "OMFGlolpenisvaginaXoXOxo" - Glen. Uhhh... Thanks?

It pretty much goes downhill from there. The rest are mostly incoherent and/or are advertisements for various enhancement drugs.So now it feels like all of this is going to waste. But hopefully not. Maybe there are real people out there reading this. People who care. People who can express themselves in a fashion that doesn't include nonsensical phrases and profanities. Hey, a guy can dream.

That time I tried to sell a bent spoon on Ebay....

In yet another futile and foolish attempt to gain national fame from making millions off of a seemingly worthless item on Ebay, I tried to sell a spoon that I claimed I bent with my mind. I even spent hours writing up a crazy story to go along with it. Nothing. Oh well, maybe my creative efforts haven't gone to waste completely. I can still post it on here, thereby making my job as blogger that much easier.

What you are bidding on is this spoon I bent with mind. Yes, thats right. A spoon I bent with my mind. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? I think so too.Maybe I'm crazy. I'm not even really sure how it happened. One second I was sitting there eating my cereal, and the next thing I know there is milk and cheerios on my lap. So I cleaned myself up and finished eating. Then It happened. My cat had once again vomited on the carpet. This really annoyed me because just a few days ago I spent two hours cleaning that same carpet of my own vomit. So after I was finished with the carpet I decided it was time to check my email. Nothing interesting, just spam. But then this one email caught my attention. It said "think you have psychic abilities? Click here to find out!11@#43! I thought to myself "I doubt it, and if i did i would have figured it out by now" and exited out of my email. The next thing on my to-do was to empty the dishwater of all the clean dishes and then put the dirty ones in. This is one of my least favorite dish-related activities. *Notice I typed "dishwater" instead of "Dishwasher" You didn't? Look again. Its funny, I didn't even notice the first time I typed it. I must have spaced out or something. I won't change it though, it'll be interesting to see how many people caught that the first time*. Anyway, back to my story. After taking care of the dishes I went for a drive to the grocery store. *At this point you may be wondering how any of this is relevant to the spoon I bent with my mind. Thats ok, don't worry about it. You will understand soon enough.* At the grocery store I picked a really crappy cart which kept veering off to the left whenever I tried to go forward(which was quite often my direction of choice) This resulted in me bumping into a lot things like some drunk guy. When it came time to pay I took out my wallet and noticed a dollar bill on which the face of Jesus had appeared. This freaked me out so I ripped it up and threw it away. What a waste of a dollar. Later I realized it was actually the face of first president George Washington, and not in fact, the face of Jesus as I had originally thought. Definatly a waste of a dollar. On my way home I stopped by taco bell and ordered some kind of burrito and a drink. I had a bit of misfortune, when the cup they provided me with leaked out all of the sprite right after I had poured it in. That upset me a little, but not as much as it upset the lady who had to clean it up. She kept glaring at me with her good eye, while the other one sort of stared at the floor. Then I made a quick trip to the gas station to fill up the tank. Finally, with the burrito leaving a satisfying feeling in my stomach and a full tank of gas, I headed for home. There wasn't much I did after that. I watched some TV, did some arm thrusts, and read one of seven books about a boy wizard. At 8:30pm at night, it was time for bed and one last snack. So, I grabbed a yogurt and a spoon from the fridge and hopped into bed. Then mysterious things started happening. The yogurt I had gotten was with strawberries, but the one I wanted was "mixed berries", which merely contained strawberries along with other berries of a mixed variety. Then, as I was taking a spoonful of yogurt, something started happening to the spoon. It began to heat up and melt in my hand like silly putty. The yogurt slopped onto my pillow, and I was to entranced to notice I had later slept in it. I have no idea how it happened. I guess its just one of those mysteries of life. Thats pretty much the story. Anyway, I don't want this spoon anymore. It really is of no use to me. Its all bent. I washed it though, so its clean. But I somehow bent it with my mind, so it must have some special value to it that no other normally bent spoon has.

18 at last, hooray!

A few days ago I finally turned 18. What a wonderful day it was. I finally feel like an adult. Just think of all the new things I will be able to do now:

• After years of waiting I will finally be able to sit at the adult table. No longer will I have to endure sitting at a small crummy little table discussing the latest episode of Spongebob. I can sit with the adults and laugh along with them, all the while realizing that eventually I will be going through all the aspects of adult life: credit card debt, hair loss, and living alone.
• Now I can click on all those "must be 18 to click" banner ads that always look so tantalizing.
• I can finally buy that steam iron that I've always wanted.
  
• Now I can finally vote!( But I probably never will)

But now that I think about it.... I don't really want to be 18. All these new responsibilities and expectations people have of you. Who wants any of that? I certainly don't. Sure, you can get married and purchase cigarettes. But in many states you can get married at an earlier age anyway so it doesn't matter. And cigarettes are only good for you when you are under 17 and you know you can stop at any time but you just don't feel like it. Once you hit 18 you realize it is a life-long addiction and in the long run you are slowly killing yourself. But hey, thats just how I feel about it.

Owen Wilson

I won't usually post about other people on a blog about myself, but this is just something that intrigued me. About a month ago we all heard rumors which were later confirmed that Owen Wilson was in the hospital after an attempted suicide. Many stories followed Owen's condition and revealed his inner tortured soul. Well, apparently it was all a publicity stunt for Owen's upcoming movie, called "The Darjeeling Limited", in which Owen plays a suicidal character. It was revealed that the movie would be released as planned without delays. Directer Wes Anderson stated, "That's not what I want and not what Owen wants. Owen's very happy we're releasing it now." He also said "To me it's just a given that your life and the theme of the work is going to intertwine." If only all actors were as devoted to a role as Owen.

Get featured on Fechr

This is a cool site I stumbled upon recently, called fechr.com, pronounced "feature". com. Basically, you get the opportunity to have your blog featured for free on their site for 24 hours. They get a couple hundred visitors per day, so if you get featured you can get some traffic to your site. Its free for now, but eventually they will start charging when they get about 500 or more visitors per day. This is a pretty great idea, and a great way for all you bloggers out there(and me too) to get some exposure. So what are you waiting for? Sign up NOW!

Nothing really new going on. The car seems to be fixed, although it still leaks a tiny bit, which worries me. Hopefully it will stop on its own, or I'll have to go to the mechanics again....What else, oh, we got the neighbor's mail again today. This is getting annoying, every time I have to go over there and give this guy his mail. Oh well, thats how those mailmen work these days I guess.

Zombie!!!

Lots of Random thoughts

• Ugh.. Got the transmission fluid changed in my car recently at the suggestion of the mechanic, now there is transmission fluid leaking all over the place. Every time I go back there , they tell me its residual, clean the leaky area, and reassure me it won't happen again. Are these guys bastards or what?
• I really need a job... but what should I do? I don't want to go the typical route and work at some store as the bag boy. Plus, I put in an applications in a few places, and never got a call back. I saw some ads for movie extras. 100-300 a day, thats pretty good. I think I'd like to try that out. I would kind of stand out though. Maybe they can find a better role for me. I read somewhere that they sometimes look for older people that look younger, so when they play kid roles its not obvious the actors are over 40. Maybe I'll call tomorrow.
  
• Sweet, got a 90 on the first science exam. I checked online today. I am glad I did well, I studied for like an hour. Its funny, the class average is a 66.6. Pretty sad really, it wasn't a hard test. 33 questions, most of them multiple choice and matching. I had another test today, in history. It was a bit of a challenge, 55 multiple choice questions, 5 of them bonus questions. Not sure how many I got wrong, but I know I got all of the bonus questions right. Hopefully I did well.
• I heard about that UF student who got tasered at a question and answer session with John Kerry. Lots of conflicting opinions. Some say he was guilty of being disruptive and resisting police when they asked him to step away from the mic. Others say it was a violation of his right to free speech. Either way, that video was pretty damn hilarious.
• One last thing, I'm pretty disappointed about a voice mail that got deleted. It was a really weird message from some woman. She mentioned something about being alone in a big dark room listening to Michael Jackson. I wanted to put it into my computer but I couldn't figure out how. I just figured out how to do it today, but the message got deleted because it can only stay in the archives for a certain length of time. Oh well... at least the next time I get a weird voice mail I'll know what to do.
  

A little joke

Nothing really I can think of to post about today. So, here is a joke I came up with.

I once knew a Chinese guy who had a tattoo on his shoulder which read "made in china".Unfortunately, he died of led poisoning after playing with himself.

The Writing Process

Writing an essay is not always easy. It takes a lot of time and effort to produce an effective and well written paper. Sometimes, its almost impossible to simply get started with some random ideas. Thats why before I work on any essay or writing assignment,I like to just put a few brainstorm-type-sentences out there and see where it gets me. Even if the start is terrible, I can edit it later, once I have a coherent train of thought going. This is what I am going to do now, for a short essay on the question: "should we obey an immoral law?".

Laws may serve many purposes. Generally, they are put in place to protect the public and keep order within a society. Keeping order within a society, thats important. Otherwise, you would have people doing whatever the crap they wanna do and getting away with it. Like the law against public nudity. Hell, if we didn't have that people would be running around naked left and right. There would be panic and chaos in the streets. Children's eyes would bleed right out of their sockets at the sight of it all. (Insert Thesis statement here)
First, what constitutes an immoral law? It could be a law that seems wrong or unjus..tice league was a pretty cool cartoon. I remember, there was like, Batman, Greenlantern, Superman, Superwoman(or is it wonderwoman?I don't really know) that guy who flashes people, and maybe some others.(Insert some examples, followed by their significance) They used to get into some crazy situations, like this one time a super genius monkey used some kind of mind control device to take control of everyone's minds. But superman showed him what for, he punched right through that monkey head and ripped out his brain, and then ate it. In the subsequent episodes, Superman is shown to have serious heartburn due his consumption of the brain.
In conclusion, if you feel a law is wrong is unjust, you shouldn’t have to obey it. Sometimes it is
important to stand up for what you believe in, because it may make a change for the
better. Rosa Parks disobeyed the law, and as a result helped the movement to end
segregation. The law is the law, but if it imposes on the rights of you or others, would
you just sit by and obey, or would you fight for those rights that everyone deserves?

The Recruiter

I don't really feel like writing anything today, so I'm just going to repost an old favorite piece of mine from my other blog. This is based on true events.

Phone rings

Me: Hello?
Recruiter: Hi, my name is Joe and I'm calling all high school seniors to see what their plans are after high school.
Me: Ok.
Recruiter: .......What do you plan to do after high school?
Me: Uhhh, I wanna be president.
Recruiter: oh, really?
Me: Yeah.
Recruiter: Heh. Well, you know, being president is a tough job. You gotta be pretty smart and know what you are doing.
Me:Uh-huh. I don't quite see where you are going with this.
Recruiter: Hrm...
Me: But before that, I plan on going to college.
Recruiter: Ok. Where are you going to go?
Me: I'm thinking either USF and if not there then a community college.
Recruiter: Ok, cool. What are you going to major in?
Me: Ummm.. that I don't really know. I'm still.. I'm still thinking about that.
Recruiter: Well, what are your interests?
Me: Forks.
Recruiter: .....
Me: I like to make things out of forks. Sometimes I just sit there for hours bending forks and making stuff.
Recruiter: So, you like building things?
Me: No. I like Forks.
Recruiter: Ok. Have you considered the marines? We have many programs and jobs where you can put things together. Your tuition will be covered 100%.
Me: Nah, the marines aren't for me. I've heard some things that happen there. Its really not my for me.
Recruiter : What have you heard?
Me: Well, is it true that many marines become gay from taking all those group showers?
Recruiter: No, of course not. Who told you that?
Me: You say that like being gay is a bad thing. Do you have a problem with gays?
Recruiter: No, I'm just saying what you heard isn't true. You can be gay if you want, I don't have a problem with it.
Me: I'm not... I'm not gay.
Recruiter: I didn't-
Me: When they shave your head, do they.. umm... do you have to shave your naughty parts too?
Recruiter: Your what? No. Thats not a requirement.
Me: Ok.
Recruiter:.....
Me: Did you hear that?
Recruiter: What..
Me: I heard a noise. Like....like and old man choking a cat.
Recruiter: No. I don't hear anything.
Me: hmm... I guess its just me. I hear things sometimes. You know, like that kid who saw dead people? Well, I can hear them.
Recruiter: I see.
*After this he asks me some questions to see if I'm qualified to be a marine. Just some routine questions which I answer normally. Finally we get to the last few minutes of the conversation.
Recruiter: Well, you're qualified.
Me: Ok, but the marines.. its just not for me.
Recruiter: Why not?
Me: Well... I don't tell this to most people but... I have a tail. And... I'm very self concious about that. It's pretty gross. Its like.. like a rats tail. I try to hide it under my pants and it looks like I have an erection from behind.
Recruiter: ......
Me: But umm.. Hey, I'll think about it and.. you know.. if I change my mind I'll give you guys a call or however.. that works.
Recruiter: I can just give you a call in a few months and see what your plans are at that time.
Me: Ok sure. Bye.
Recruiter: Bye.

An Offer I CAN Refuse

There are a lot of things I like doing. Things that fit with my personality and comfort level. Things that give me that special warm feeling in my stomach. Today I will discuss one activity that most certainly does not fit into that description. This is an activity that some people find rather exciting and enjoyable, and an opportunity that not everyone gets. Can you guess what it is? Or is the suspense finally getting to you? Fine, no more nonsense.
I really don't like scuba diving. It just doesn't appeal to me. First of all, I don't like having to stick that mouth piece into my mouth. Usually it invokes my gag reflex, and along with all the great stuff about experiencing that first breath underwater, there is nothing in the brochure about the exhilarating feeling of the first time you vomit underwater. And then if I manage to hold back my vomit, my jaw gets tired. Its all just very uncomfortable. But thats not the end of it. After doing the whole "introduction" course I say I don't wish to continue. Then I get all this crap that I am passing up a great opportunity that not many people get. And to make matters worse, a friend of my dad's paid for the course, so apparently he wasted his money on me. Where to start here? For one thing, no one f'ing forced him to pay for me. In fact, I expended a lot of effort refusing his offer to do the course. In the end I gave in and he paid over $200 for me. After that I get all this bull that he spent his money on me and I refused to continue with the program. That is his fault! How about this, I pay 50,000 dollars to get him exclusive access to a nude photo shoot of Rosi O'Donnel. And then I give him the same crap that I payed a lot of money and it is not an opportunity that everyone gets. And as far as opportunities go, getting raped by Jerry Springer is not an opportunity everyone gets, but I don't see too many people taking up his offer.
Anyway... thats my rant for today. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. 'Till tomorrow, cheers.

Heads

I may or may not have mentioned one of my many hobbies, sculpting. I think I'm getting pretty good at it. Check these out:

A little about myself

Hmmm... Its interesting, how much anonymity the internet can give you. Anyone can say anything, and it can be difficult to find out who that person really is. No one can know for sure who you really are, except the people who actually know you in real life. I can pretend to be anyone I want to be, and no one would ever know. But why be dishonest? Sure I'd be fooling everyone, but what do I gain from this? Pretending to be a millionaire won't make a me a millionaire. Having said that, where do I start? Well, I am around 6ft 1, 170lbs, slightly muscular. Ha, in some fairy-tale dreamland maybe. No, I wouldn't even come close to that description. In reality I am only about 5ft 2, 100lbs. For a typical male, someone around that height would be around 11, maybe 12, right? Most people just by looking at me would never guess I was almost 18. On other significantly short people you can tell their age, because their short stature is due to some obvious medical condition, such as dwarfism. They are short but still look older. For me, it is a little different. As far as I know, I don't have any medical condition, except for maybe a growth hormone deficiency, which I was once tested for but the results came back negative.
This is where things become a little difficult, being constantly mistaken and often times treated like an 11-year old. Everywhere I go I am always treated like a child.At restaurants I am often offered a kids' menu that comes with those little crayons. Oftentimes this offends me, but I do enjoy coloring and it helps pass the time while the adults just sit there. There are lots of other things that make me feel way younger than I should be. My feet are small, for instance, and you know what that means. I have to look for shoes in the childrens' section, amidst all the stupid crying kids who wanted the shoes with those lights on the sides of the sneaker or the ones with the gay cowboys. This also goes for clothing. Sometimes I don't mind the kids' section as much. Its so vibrant and colorful, compared to the boring blacks and grays of the adult section.
Sometimes, being in some places or situations automatically gives me an age minimum. If I go to an R-rated movie, for example, people would assume me to be at least 17( by myself I mean). The same would go for school situations, right? Well, not really. Many people when I was in high school thought I was some 12-year old prodigy who skipped a bunch of grades. This is stereotyping, which I really did not appreciate. Even though it isn't a bad stereotype, I don't like it, just as Asians don't like to be stereotyped as being good at math, and just as blacks don't like to be stereotyped as being good athletes, good dancers, rapists, thiefs, gang members, lazy, liking kfc chicken, etc.
Whew.. That was a lot to say. You pretty much understand the point I am trying to make and my situation. At least I hope so. I know some of what I wrote probably doesn't make much sense. I'll try for that next time. Anyway, this is pretty much it as far as an introduction on myself. I don't really feel like writing anymore because this thing is long enough as it is. So, thats all for now. Cheers.

First Post!

Finally, I am back into blogging. After an incredibly long hiatus, I have decided to give it another try. This time, I am going to try and go in a completely different direction with things. I am going to try and make this blog the best one yet. But in order to accomplish this grand of a task, I need to go back in history and look at some of my previous blog attempts. Lets start with my first failure, "Gary's advice column". Yeah. What an "original" concept that was. Seriously, what the hell was I thinking with that? At first I thought it was going to be great. People would send me emails with their most intimate problems, and I would try and help them out whilst adding my own humorous twist to the situation. Right... Well, the expected hilarity most certainly did not ensue. I thought things started out relatively well. Soon after I created my blog, I got an email from a woman asking what her sister should do with her baby. So, I tried to respond in the best possible manner. In the end it all turned out hilariously bad. Everyone who replied to my post took the situation pretty seriously and completely disregarded my entire well-thought-out response. Then it pretty much ended there. No more emails and I was left with nothing. Discouraging? Yes. Did I learn anything from this? Not really.
Next, we move onto my slightly more successful blog, "aspiring comedian". Yeah, right. Just like the people who call themselves aspiring actors, aspiring singers, and aspiring gynecologists. I can't really keep calling myself that anymore. It just doesn't work. A comedian would be someone who actually goes out and performs in some crap-shack comedy clubs full of drunks and bums. This is certainly not the case with me as I have never performed anything on anyone. I did have some good writing in there, and a few people actually left comments here and there. But I just didn't like the feel of how it was all going. It seemed to be all over the place. Very messy and disorganized. Soon I got tired of it all and just decided to stop. Now, after thinking it all over I have decided to get back into it for my own purposes. I am a college guy now, and as such I need to have proficient writing skills. So, what better way to practice my writing than to do a daily blog? This was kind of the idea behind the other blog, only without all the expectations of instant fame and several book/movie deals. I am not even going to employ that stupid counter this time. Well, this is pretty much it as far as introducing the blog goes. In my next post, going along with the theme of my new blog, I will write a little about myself. Every post after that will also consist of things from my day to day life, instead of just random crap. I think it will work out better in such a format. This way, I won't run out of things to write about because it will be about things that go on in my life. Unless I die, in which case I will no longer have any material to go from and then I am back to square one. Thats all for now, cheers.