Sunday, September 16, 2007

The Recruiter

I don't really feel like writing anything today, so I'm just going to repost an old favorite piece of mine from my other blog. This is based on true events.

Phone rings

Me: Hello?
Recruiter: Hi, my name is Joe and I'm calling all high school seniors to see what their plans are after high school.
Me: Ok.
Recruiter: .......What do you plan to do after high school?
Me: Uhhh, I wanna be president.
Recruiter: oh, really?
Me: Yeah.
Recruiter: Heh. Well, you know, being president is a tough job. You gotta be pretty smart and know what you are doing.
Me:Uh-huh. I don't quite see where you are going with this.
Recruiter: Hrm...
Me: But before that, I plan on going to college.
Recruiter: Ok. Where are you going to go?
Me: I'm thinking either USF and if not there then a community college.
Recruiter: Ok, cool. What are you going to major in?
Me: Ummm.. that I don't really know. I'm still.. I'm still thinking about that.
Recruiter: Well, what are your interests?
Me: Forks.
Recruiter: .....
Me: I like to make things out of forks. Sometimes I just sit there for hours bending forks and making stuff.
Recruiter: So, you like building things?
Me: No. I like Forks.
Recruiter: Ok. Have you considered the marines? We have many programs and jobs where you can put things together. Your tuition will be covered 100%.
Me: Nah, the marines aren't for me. I've heard some things that happen there. Its really not my for me.
Recruiter : What have you heard?
Me: Well, is it true that many marines become gay from taking all those group showers?
Recruiter: No, of course not. Who told you that?
Me: You say that like being gay is a bad thing. Do you have a problem with gays?
Recruiter: No, I'm just saying what you heard isn't true. You can be gay if you want, I don't have a problem with it.
Me: I'm not... I'm not gay.
Recruiter: I didn't-
Me: When they shave your head, do they.. umm... do you have to shave your naughty parts too?
Recruiter: Your what? No. Thats not a requirement.
Me: Ok.
Me: Did you hear that?
Recruiter: What..
Me: I heard a noise. and old man choking a cat.
Recruiter: No. I don't hear anything.
Me: hmm... I guess its just me. I hear things sometimes. You know, like that kid who saw dead people? Well, I can hear them.
Recruiter: I see.
*After this he asks me some questions to see if I'm qualified to be a marine. Just some routine questions which I answer normally. Finally we get to the last few minutes of the conversation.
Recruiter: Well, you're qualified.
Me: Ok, but the marines.. its just not for me.
Recruiter: Why not?
Me: Well... I don't tell this to most people but... I have a tail. And... I'm very self concious about that. It's pretty gross. Its like.. like a rats tail. I try to hide it under my pants and it looks like I have an erection from behind.
Recruiter: ......
Me: But umm.. Hey, I'll think about it and.. you know.. if I change my mind I'll give you guys a call or however.. that works.
Recruiter: I can just give you a call in a few months and see what your plans are at that time.
Me: Ok sure. Bye.
Recruiter: Bye.

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