How I aced my job interview at Target/drug test

A few days ago I got a call from target for an interview. So I went in and things went pretty well in my opinion. These are some of the questions I was asked and my responses to them.

Interviewer - Why do you want this job?
Me- Well, lets just say my current living arrangement depends on it. Seriously, if I don't get a job my parents will kick me out of the house. Think about it. Would you want me getting kicked out of the house on your conscience?

Interviewer - Tell me about yourself. What are your good qualities?
Me- Well, I can read, I don't have any mental illness, I'm not an alcoholic, and I have good hygiene.

Interviewer - Think of a time when you got into an argument with someone. How did you handle it?
Me - As far as arguments go, I like to be non-confrontational. I like to rationalize, you know, get to the root of the problem. Like this one time I got into an argument with my friend. I decided it was best not to make things worse and I simply agreed with what he was saying. The next day I slipped some drugs into his food right before he was going in for a drug test. He failed the test and was fired from his job. He's uhh... He's not doing so well right now. Apparently addiction runs in his family.

Interviewer - I see...And where did you get these drugs?
Me - Who?

Interviewer - Right.. Never mind. Ok, think of a time when you were working in a group, what was your role in the group or how did you contribute?
Me - There was one time when me and a group of friends tried to break into my neighbor's house. My role was to serve as a lookout at the door and see if anyone was coming. Eventually I saw someone coming so I ran like hell. My friends got arrested for breaking and entering.

Interviewer - Describe a time when you helped someone who needed help even though they didn't ask for it.
Me - Hmmm.... can I tell you about all the times I didn't help people who did ask for it?

Interviewer - Think of a time when you had to make a change you didn’t like, what was it and how did you deal with it?
Me - Well, one time my family was preparing for a fancy event and my mom told me to change my pants. I felt the ones I was wearing were just fine and did not require changing. I refused to change them and my parents went without me.

Interviewer - Think of a time when you were in a group and someone wasn’t doing their part, how did you handle it and what happened?
Me - Ok. There was one time when we had to do a project for school, it was a video project. And every time we had our meetings to do the video, one person would not show up. So eventually I had to call him and tell him to haul his ass over or he was out of the group. He was uhh.. pretty heavy on the mind altering substances at the time.

Thats all I can remember from the interview. They thought it over and felt I was perfect for a position as cashier. All that was left was doing a mandatory drug test. So, the next day I drove over to the lab and did the test. Some interesting things I noticed. First, the lady made me empty my pockets before going into the bathroom. Why is this necessary? Does she think I secretly have a vile of clean urine stashed in my pocket? Yeah, I keep a couple viles of frozen urine in my freezer just for these occasions. Well, I emptied my pockets and she handed me the cup, telling me in a stern voice "you have three minutes." This scared me for a second. What if I can't provide in three minutes? What happens then? I really don't like to be pressured when it comes to stuff like this. Bathroom time is the only time I get to just relax and enjoy some quiet. Lucky for me, I had finally mastered the ancient technique of urinating on command, and filled the cup to the minimum level, saving the rest for later. And thats basically whats been going on the past few days. I am waiting now for them to call me and give me a date for the next orientation.