Why I hate making phone calls

Well, its not so much that I hate making phone calls, its just that every time I call someone things always seem to go wrong. For some reason I can never recognize the voice of the person who picks up the phone. I don't know why. There is face blindness, and there is phone voice blindness. And for people who have face blindness, you know how hard it can be. Sometimes regardless of who picks up the phone, I ask if I can speak to the person whom I wish to talk to. Other times, I think I know who it is and just start talking while the other person is confused as hell. Then I realize my mistake, quickly hang up, and sit in a corner and feel stupid. This could last anywhere from 10 minutes to many many hours until I can finally move on. A recent example:

*dials number*.....
Mysterious Voice: Hello?
Me: Hey, whats up?
Mysterious Voice: Uh... hi?
Me: So.. whats going on?
Mysterious Voice: Who is this?
Me: Oh, what.. Err.. this is Gary.*Now I start to panic* Uhh... are you Chris, is Chris there?
Mysterious Voice: (What I Heard) This is his girlfriend. (What he really said) He is with his girlfriend.
Me: *Thinking he said the former, as a joke* Very funny, you are not.
Mysterious Voice: What?
Me: Oh, you said.. He is with his girlfriend?
Mysterious Voice: Yeah.
Me: Oh, well I don't know when to call back. I'm just calling to say happy birthday, because its his birthday today, if you can just tell him I called.
Mysterious Voice: Ok, I'll tell him you called.
*Click*

So, who was this mysterious voice? It was his dad. I thought about it after the call, and it definitely sounded like his voice. My friend has some brothers too, which is why I was confused at first. I thought it might have been one of his brothers who had answered the phone. They like to joke around, which is why I heard "this is his girlfriend" and didn't think much about it. I'm sure his dad doesn't have that kind of sense of humor. Overall, that was a pretty awkward call, which is the point I'm trying to make. Now I feel like sitting in that corner. I don't know, maybe I am thinking too much into this? Maybe I just need to work on my communication skills a little more. Oh well, whatever.

If you could interview God.....

Well, this really feels like a professional blog now, because, for no reason whatsoever, I am going to promote a book. This book sounds like a really great read. It's called "The Louie/God Interviews (What The Big Fella Really Thinks About Man And The Universe)" by Louie Lawent. Here is a neat description of the book: Are the days of "God speaks to Man" a relic of the past? Not according to Louie Lawent, who at the turn of the new millennium landed a series of exclusive interviews with The Supreme Being. Louie grills God about his checkered career, but it's done benignly and a frustrated Creator makes a good case for himself - well, most of the time. The interviews cover biblical happenings, His propensity to smite, evolution, pop culture, and a God who believes He's the victim of a disinformation campaign. It's "The Far Side" meets "The Thinker" meets the "Frat Boy." A God who considered creation "a good day in the hood."

What Hollywood director would God choose to direct his life story? What part do the Three Stooges play in the Rapture? What about his pet peeves? How do Americans amaze God? What's his favorite political joke? Did the aliens really land at Roswell? A God not exactly enamored by the human race.

Louie: What is your real opinion of people?

God: They're like radio songs that are fine for the car ride home, but you'd never purchase them to be part of your master collection.

Louie: Do you have a guidebook to help make your decisions on Judgment
Day?

God: The Starr Report is any good God's starting point.

God remarks, "I don't think I could be elected God. I'd lose to some would-be savior who said, 'Read my lips - No more sense of shame.' We have occasional pep rallies in heaven. While years ago they sang rousing psalms of 'God for eternity' now I get a qualified endorsement of '4 more years, 4 more years.'"

Also, I got an exclusive e-mail interview with the man himself who interviewed the man himself:

First, the basic question. What inspired you to write this book?
"I'm probably no different than many people in that I've wondered if there truly is a God. Do we believe in the truthfulness of the writers of the bible. Science tells us the world is 13 to 14 billion years old, while the bible tells us that the world is less than 7000 years old. How can this be reconciled? I find it interesting that in the 2nd Epistle general of Peter, a verse says "For we have not followed cunningly devised fables, when we made known unto you the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, but were eyewitnesses of his majesty." So, even then there were concerns of whether fact or fiction was in play. But, in addition to my deep philosophical questions, I've always had an absurd sense of humor so the thought of combining my interest in God and the craziness of our world proved irresistible."

When you first contacted God, how did he feel about the interview?
"First of all, it took forever to talk to Him. I had to jump through a lot of hoops. I was vetted by His investigators, but eventually I won them over. God wanted an advance copy of the questions but I was firm and told him "Louie don't play that." He was concerned that the intent of the interview was to show Him in a bad light. I assured him that I simply wanted Him to have a forum to express His views. It was either me or the NY Times and He knew he'd get a fairer hearing from me. He was fed up with their editorials."

Before the interview, what were your expectations? In the end, did it turn out how you expected, or did you get some surprises?
"One thing that surprised me was His description of what He looked like when He was born. It was shocking. Your readers will have to find out for themselves once they read the book. I don't want to spoil it for them."

How was it interviewing the big guy himself? Were you a little starstruck at first?
"Yes I was starstruck. The biggest interview I snared before this was a slow-moving milkman with a bad case of fungus."

In your interview with God, did he at all mention Jesus? What has he been up to these days besides appearing in fence posts and sandwiches? Whats the deal with that anyway?
"Jesus is on a sabbatical. As far as the fenceposts, God had no comment."

How do you think people will view God after reading this book? Do you think their opinion will change, and if so for better or for worse?
"I think people will have a deeper belief in God. They will see how tough the Big Guy has it. He gets grief from all sides."

Now that you've interviewed God, who will be next on your list? Maybe....Satan perhaps?
"The milkman's wife."

And thats pretty much it. Exciting stuff, I think. So if you are interested, go and check out his book.

Bio & Book Info: Louie is also the author of "Gerty the Pig". A co-written pop rock song of his, entitled "Pop Star" (performed & co-written by Billy Livesay) is currently being played on U.S. radio stations. "The Louie/God Interviews (What The Big Fella Really Thinks About Man And The Universe)" is available online at Amazon and Barnes&Noble and may be ordered at your local book store. Check out his myspace page at www.myspace.com/louielawent

Global Warming - The Silent Killer

This is a rough draft of my paper on global warming. Enjoy.

The environment is a serious issue which should not be taken lightly. Without the environment, many life-forms would not be able to exist, including humans. Humans need the environment to survive, but paradoxilicilaly they are also destroying it. One aspect of the environment that is being destroyed is the atmosphere. This destruction of the atmosphere can be called Global Warming (dun dun dun… scary music). Global warming is the warming of the global temperature. (This is all I can think of, so here is the thesis statement.) The future effects of global warming on the environment could be devastating if the U.S and other developed countries do not take certain measures to reduce emissions of harmful gasses into the atmosphere.
What is global warming? Repeating myself, global warming is the warming of the earth’s global temperature. Once again, for clarification, it is the warming of the earth’s global temperature. Al Gore did a documentary on Global Warming (dun dun dun.. scary music) called “An inconvenient truth”. In this documentary, Al Gore talks about this phenomenon and discusses its effects. During the movie, he rode in this really cool elevator thing which he used to show how high the temperatures went up over a long period of time. He went up pretty high, so that’s saying something. There is also something called the greenhouse effect. This effect demonstrates the basics of Global Warming (dun dun dun.. scary music). So, here is the way this works. It really is pretty simple. Not a hard concept to grasp. In this greenhouse effect, there is a glass house( in which, as you know, stone throwing is discouraged) and in this glass house are various plants. The sun heats up the inside of the house, and the glass keeps the hot air from escaping. This is how global warming works, only humans are the plants. But what are the plants then? Well, that is a subject for a different paper. Now that you understand the concepts of Global Warming (dun dun dun.. scary music) I will discuss how it affects us humans and animals and other stuff too.
What sorts of things has global warming affected? Well, as Al Gore stated,"Global warming will be the greatest environmental challenge in the 21st century." In my opinion, I agree with this statement. Anyway, what has global warming affected? For one thing, it has melted the ice caps( icecaps.com). It has also melted a lot of icebergs and such. This is both good and bad. A good thing is that now we can have another Titanic and not have to worry about hitting an iceberg. But a bad thing is that the ice melts into water, which adds to the water already there and this could cause floods and thousands dead(that was a sentence fragment, and no, I will not consider revising it). Another thing global warming affects is weather. Some sources say global warming has resulted in stronger storms. This is evidenced by the stronger storms we have had in recent years. Also,(insert some data and statistics here). This basically proves everything I have stated so far.
Global warming also has serious effects on other things as well. One of these seriously affected things is animals/plants. How exactly does global warming affect these things? Well, for one thing, the flooding in Antarctica due to global warming has already drowned thousands of penguins and polar bears. Think of all those poor penguins. Their life is hard enough as it is, what with having to make a trip all the way across Antarctica to birth their babies, and then this global warming happens and makes things even harder.
Not only are animals affected, but plants are affected as well. Some plants can only thrive in a certain climate. Because of global warming, the temperature rises and the plants either have to adapt or they die out. This in turn causes a domino effect. If the plants die, then the animals who eat those plants die as well. The natural balance of nature is disturbed, which causes a wormhole to open up in the middle of the earth and suck everything into it.
What are some possible ways to combat global warming? Well, physically there is no way, because global warming is not a single entity. But there may be ways to thwart global warming by not giving it what it feeds on. Namely, carbons dioxide. More and more of these carbons are entering the atmosphere and feeding global warming. Global warming in turn digests this and excretes a gas which traps heat. Once we stop feeding global warming, it will shrivel up and die. So, where does global warming get its nourishment? From us humans, of course. From our cars, our power stations, and aerosol cans. If we can find a ways to regulate the expansion of these gases, maybe we could stop global warming in its tracks, and eventually run it off the tracks and into a ditch from which it will never be able to get out of.
In conclusion, everything I said is true and was in no way made up, fabricated, or exaggerated. If you don’t believe me, just look/go to www.google.com and look it up. Its all there.

Some toilet humor

Ok, So here I am sitting at my computer in my room minding my own business. I hear my dad coming out of the bathroom. Suddenly he busts into my room. "Have you been in the bathroom lately? Go in there and smell it." You can probably imagine what I was thinking. "Look dad, I know you are proud of everything that comes out of your body, but I really wish you would keep these things to yourself." Ok, I didn't really say that. But I was certainly thinking it. What really happened was I went inside and found the smell was coming from the cat's litter box. Go figure. I am so used to that smell I don't even notice when the cat drops an especially pungent deuce. I cleaned it up and that was the end of that. But the image of my dad yelling "go smell your bathroom" right after coming out of there will forever stay with me as the most hilarious thing ever.

Fire alarms, pizza, and copy machines

Lets see... Lots of interesting stuff going on.

• First, I stayed up 'till 2 a.m Wednesday working on a term paper. Ugh. Procrastination is the worst. I think procrastination should be classified as a mental illness. I think it would be fair to say about someone, "I'm afraid there is nothing we can do for him, m'am. He is suffering from a very serious case of procrastination." And then maybe in ten or twenty years they will develop a vaccine. Yeah, right.

• Anyway, the next morning I got to college early so I could photocopy all my sources. As usual, I had some trouble with the copy machine. Sometimes the pages came out with words cut off from either the top of the page or the left side. At other times the damn thing spit out a huge sheet that had both pages of the book on it when I only wanted to copy one. Eventually the copy machine got jammed so I went on to the one next to it. Things were going well until a man and a girl came over to use the jammed machine. Naturally, I didn't say anything as they unsuspectingly came up to it and attempted to use it. Very soon they realized something wasn't working and tried to figure out what was wrong with it. As for me, I innocently stood there copying my pages, trying to ignore them. What was I supposed to say? "Uhh.. yeah, hey, I broke that one. Sorry". They even asked me if I knew anything about copying machines. I said I didn't. But they got it working in the end.

• Thursday was also health day at the college. They were giving massages and handing out some free stuff, like deodorant and tampons, for which there was a big line. They were also giving out Italian ices and pizza. Pizza, of all foods to give out on health day. Thats just something that puzzled me. Well, actually they give out pizza at every event, but this time it just didn't seem to fit. But I guess pizza is pretty much a universal food. It can be served on any occasion. Hanukkah? Pizza. Thanksgiving? Pizza. Weddings? Screw the shrimp cocktails, bring on the pizza! But what about funerals? Damn right, there better be pizza. Well, you get the point.
  

• And finally, someone allegedly pulled the fire alarm during my science class. Ridiculous isn't it? We are in college and someone is still pulling the fire alarm. I heard that when you pull the alarm it sprays ink onto your hand. Thats pretty cool, but thats not really useful. What if the perpetrator simply puts their hands in their pocket? Or, what if he has already foreseen this scenario and has some moist towelettes ready for quick ink removal? That just doesn't work. What they really need to do is lace the handle with a flesh-eating bacteria. Ha, lets see anyone try and wash that off. This will easily expose the perpetrator. All you have to do is look for the guy with the nasty dilapidated hand.

Well thats all for now, part 2 of my story will be posted soon if anyone cares.

A timeless classic

How Tom Cruise and The Queen of England Tried to Take over the World - Pt 1

It all started on quiet Saturday morning. The Queen of England had flown in to Washington D.C to discuss international affairs with the President. At the same time, Tom Cruise's new movie Misson Impossible III premiered in theatres. All was going well until Bush suggested he and Cheney take the Queen on a hunting trip. Seeing as it was a Saturday and the Queen didn't have any other plans, she agreed. That's when it all started. First Bush offended the Queen when he asked if she had any "wang money" he could add to his coin collection. And then he started "Santa Claus is Coming to Town". Needless to say, it all went down the crapper when Dick Cheney shot the Queen. His excuse? From far away she looked like a mountain lion. Anyone would be furious if they got shot, and the Queen was no exception. After extensive facial reconstruction surgery, she packed all her things and stormed off back to England. The next day, she declared war on America.
Things weren't going well for Tom Cruise either. MI3 didn't do so well in the box office, and Tom's image was further soiled by his antics on 'Oprah', where he ate an entire sofa cushion. Angry at the world and with nothing left to lose but his dignity, Tom decided to take over the world and make everyone follow Scientology. But first he had to figure out a plan. So he gathered all ten followers of Scientology and told them his idea....He was on his own from then on. What would he do without his followers? Tom had to think. So he went to his house, gathered a bunch of random crap and started rearranging it into different shapes. First he made a T. Then he made a P. Finally after several more attempts he made a Q. Thats when his ceiling collapsed onto his head and, after extensive facial reconstruction surgery, Tom decided to join forces with the Queen and take over America. And so Tom packed his bags and flew to Germany. Then he realized he was in the wrong place and a day later finally arrived in England. The Queen was highly guarded, so Tom had to utilize all the skills he learned from making his mission impossible movies to break in. After several failed attempts to recreate the stunts he did in his movies, Tom realized that this was real life. So instead he simply went in through the front door. Conveniently, the Queen was a big fan of Tom Cruise's movies and let him in. Tom was glad to meet the Queen and didn't waste any time getting to business. After some tea and crumpets, Tom laid out his plans for the Queen. This is what his plan consisted of so far:

Planz to take ovr the Wurld by Tom Cruise
Step 1. Take over World
Step 2. Profit

And with that, they began their takeover.

What is going on today?

A rarity occurred today the likes of which I have never seen. Some person was rude to the professor in two of my classes today. The first instance happened in my environmental science class. A woman's cell-phone rang so she ran out of class to take the call(kind of rude there, but thats not really the issue). When she comes back the professor asks to see her after class. Then all of a sudden this loudmouth woman sitting next to me yells out, "why doesn't she have to leave class? That other girl had to leave class when her cell phone rang. Thats discrimination". And at that point I just thought to myself, 'oh, here we go....' The professor calmly asks her to leave as she is being rude. The woman refuses and continues on, "I'm not leaving. You can call security and give me a zero, I know the drill. I'm not moving".
Why?? Why must people behave this way? In what manner does this concern her at all? If the girl who had to leave when her cellphone went off felt it was some sort of discrimination, she could talk to the professor privately after class and resolve the issue. Who does this woman think she is, some sort of hero or vigilante, who stands up for the little guy? No, this is a woman who didn't take her crazy pills before coming to class. Now, I am not some teacher's pet or anything, who always gets straight A's and defends the teacher no matter what. But the man never raises his voice. He is never rude to any student, and treats everyone with respect. So why disrespect him in such a manner and waste everyone else's class time? He had to leave for about ten minutes to go get the Dean or someone who later came into class and asked to speak to the woman in private.
This is not middle school or high school. That woman is about 40 years old. Her daughter goes to the same college. And yet she behaves in such an immature way. While talking to someone else she suggested "if that guy wants to read his newspaper, he should be allowed to read his newspaper". Yes, why don't we all just do our own thing while the professor draws doodles on the board. Ridiculous. So thats that story.
The other one isn't really important. The point is, if you have some sort of problem, don't make a spectacle of yourself arguing with the teacher in the middle of class. Or something like that.

Some more thoughts I just thunk up

I have to do an informative speech soon and I haven't decided on a topic yet. I do have a few ideas though. So far I am juggling between bird flu, leprosy, flesh eating bacteria, and venereal diseases. My decision will pretty much be based on which search results will yield the funniest pictures.

I've noticed that a lot of the time when people are angry at each other they start yelling and spewing profanities. This is definitely the wrong way to deal with your emotions. Yelling and getting all stressed and frustrated will get you nowhere. As soon as you start getting angry at someone, just imagine yourself on a beautiful sandy beach, burying the person you are angry at. Or, just think about the many ways you could murder this person in his/her sleep. So the next time you are in an argument and you notice the person you are arguing with suddenly gets a big smile on their face, don't worry. He/she is probably just thinking about how you get stabbed in the ass with a rusty fork whilst showering.(Please note - Not recommended for people with impulsive personalities.)

Here's something I bet y'all didn't think about. Out of all the greek gods and goddesses, there is not one mention of the Goddess Hermaphroditee. We all know about the goddess Aphrodite, so why no mention of her brother/sister? Its not fair, really. Just because of his/her condition he/she gets less respect and recognition than the other gods. Perhaps there weren't that many hermaphrodites back then that required Hermaphroditee's services. Or maybe thats how hermaphrodites originated, from Hermaphroditee her/himself, and because of that he/she got shunned by the other gods. Maybe someone should write a story about this. "Hermaphroditee, God or Goddess? Could be both".

Hmm... thats pretty much it for now. More to come in the next few days.

Life lesson #109

Never leave your artwork within reach of children. Ever.

What the People are Saying

Although this blog is fairly new, I have already gotten some emails from people telling me what they think of my blog. And.... well, some of the comments are a bit disheartening, some are nice, and some are just plain bizarre. Here is what the people have been saying:

• "Dude, cool blog yo. Rock on!" - Timmy G. Thanks Tim, I appreciate that.
• "Ok, so its like this. I like what yur saying, but like, what does it all mean? What does anything mean? wHY are we even here? Damn... im high right now. peace. - Michael B. Ok.. well.. thanks for the kind words Mike.
• "I'm stealing all of your ideas for my next book and there isn't anything you can do about it! Ha!" - Brad Writerson. Ok. Its going to be a pretty crappy book though.
• "Hi, very best blog! I recommend Vanx Brand penis enlargement pills. They are cheapest and work great!" - No name. So... to which of my posts is this referring to?
• "Your blog arouses me sexually" - Tina. Hmm.. not quite sure how to take this one.
• "OMFGlolpenisvaginaXoXOxo" - Glen. Uhhh... Thanks?

It pretty much goes downhill from there. The rest are mostly incoherent and/or are advertisements for various enhancement drugs.So now it feels like all of this is going to waste. But hopefully not. Maybe there are real people out there reading this. People who care. People who can express themselves in a fashion that doesn't include nonsensical phrases and profanities. Hey, a guy can dream.

That time I tried to sell a bent spoon on Ebay....

In yet another futile and foolish attempt to gain national fame from making millions off of a seemingly worthless item on Ebay, I tried to sell a spoon that I claimed I bent with my mind. I even spent hours writing up a crazy story to go along with it. Nothing. Oh well, maybe my creative efforts haven't gone to waste completely. I can still post it on here, thereby making my job as blogger that much easier.

What you are bidding on is this spoon I bent with mind. Yes, thats right. A spoon I bent with my mind. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? I think so too.Maybe I'm crazy. I'm not even really sure how it happened. One second I was sitting there eating my cereal, and the next thing I know there is milk and cheerios on my lap. So I cleaned myself up and finished eating. Then It happened. My cat had once again vomited on the carpet. This really annoyed me because just a few days ago I spent two hours cleaning that same carpet of my own vomit. So after I was finished with the carpet I decided it was time to check my email. Nothing interesting, just spam. But then this one email caught my attention. It said "think you have psychic abilities? Click here to find out!11@#43! I thought to myself "I doubt it, and if i did i would have figured it out by now" and exited out of my email. The next thing on my to-do was to empty the dishwater of all the clean dishes and then put the dirty ones in. This is one of my least favorite dish-related activities. *Notice I typed "dishwater" instead of "Dishwasher" You didn't? Look again. Its funny, I didn't even notice the first time I typed it. I must have spaced out or something. I won't change it though, it'll be interesting to see how many people caught that the first time*. Anyway, back to my story. After taking care of the dishes I went for a drive to the grocery store. *At this point you may be wondering how any of this is relevant to the spoon I bent with my mind. Thats ok, don't worry about it. You will understand soon enough.* At the grocery store I picked a really crappy cart which kept veering off to the left whenever I tried to go forward(which was quite often my direction of choice) This resulted in me bumping into a lot things like some drunk guy. When it came time to pay I took out my wallet and noticed a dollar bill on which the face of Jesus had appeared. This freaked me out so I ripped it up and threw it away. What a waste of a dollar. Later I realized it was actually the face of first president George Washington, and not in fact, the face of Jesus as I had originally thought. Definatly a waste of a dollar. On my way home I stopped by taco bell and ordered some kind of burrito and a drink. I had a bit of misfortune, when the cup they provided me with leaked out all of the sprite right after I had poured it in. That upset me a little, but not as much as it upset the lady who had to clean it up. She kept glaring at me with her good eye, while the other one sort of stared at the floor. Then I made a quick trip to the gas station to fill up the tank. Finally, with the burrito leaving a satisfying feeling in my stomach and a full tank of gas, I headed for home. There wasn't much I did after that. I watched some TV, did some arm thrusts, and read one of seven books about a boy wizard. At 8:30pm at night, it was time for bed and one last snack. So, I grabbed a yogurt and a spoon from the fridge and hopped into bed. Then mysterious things started happening. The yogurt I had gotten was with strawberries, but the one I wanted was "mixed berries", which merely contained strawberries along with other berries of a mixed variety. Then, as I was taking a spoonful of yogurt, something started happening to the spoon. It began to heat up and melt in my hand like silly putty. The yogurt slopped onto my pillow, and I was to entranced to notice I had later slept in it. I have no idea how it happened. I guess its just one of those mysteries of life. Thats pretty much the story. Anyway, I don't want this spoon anymore. It really is of no use to me. Its all bent. I washed it though, so its clean. But I somehow bent it with my mind, so it must have some special value to it that no other normally bent spoon has.

18 at last, hooray!

A few days ago I finally turned 18. What a wonderful day it was. I finally feel like an adult. Just think of all the new things I will be able to do now:

• After years of waiting I will finally be able to sit at the adult table. No longer will I have to endure sitting at a small crummy little table discussing the latest episode of Spongebob. I can sit with the adults and laugh along with them, all the while realizing that eventually I will be going through all the aspects of adult life: credit card debt, hair loss, and living alone.
• Now I can click on all those "must be 18 to click" banner ads that always look so tantalizing.
• I can finally buy that steam iron that I've always wanted.
  
• Now I can finally vote!( But I probably never will)

But now that I think about it.... I don't really want to be 18. All these new responsibilities and expectations people have of you. Who wants any of that? I certainly don't. Sure, you can get married and purchase cigarettes. But in many states you can get married at an earlier age anyway so it doesn't matter. And cigarettes are only good for you when you are under 17 and you know you can stop at any time but you just don't feel like it. Once you hit 18 you realize it is a life-long addiction and in the long run you are slowly killing yourself. But hey, thats just how I feel about it.