Live Broadcast on Monday!

Hey all! I will be doing a live broadcast Monday(nov. 26) at around 3pm EST, so do stop by and check it out. Seriously, it'll be worth it. I'll have jokes, stories, lots of randomness and even a special guest, so don't miss it!

New! I am going to do live broadcasts!

Hey, anyone that is reading this. I am going to try out something new I haven't seen a lot of bloggers do. From time to time I'm going to go live on my webcam, and you can see it right here on my blog, at the top of this page. This is going to be pretty fun to try out. For anyone on the blog now, can you see the video? Also, I'd like some feedback as to what I can do. Right now I have just been talking about a whole bunch of nonsense, really. Hmm... Thats all really, enjoy the live video!

A depressing poem of sorts

I'm not much of a poet, but its 12:25 am right now and I really want to post something compelling and thought-provoking. Something that really represents the human condition. So, here it is.

A Depressing Poem of Sorts

By Gary

I’m so depressed I could beat a cat,

With my metallic baseball bat.

I could walk down the street with pants on my head,

And chew on a piece of poisonous lead.

I’m so depressed I could walk out on my job,

And hang with my friend, “special needs Bob.”

Life means nothing, to me anymore

Because I found out my mom is a whore.

How I aced my job interview at Target/drug test

A few days ago I got a call from target for an interview. So I went in and things went pretty well in my opinion. These are some of the questions I was asked and my responses to them.

Interviewer - Why do you want this job?
Me- Well, lets just say my current living arrangement depends on it. Seriously, if I don't get a job my parents will kick me out of the house. Think about it. Would you want me getting kicked out of the house on your conscience?

Interviewer - Tell me about yourself. What are your good qualities?
Me- Well, I can read, I don't have any mental illness, I'm not an alcoholic, and I have good hygiene.

Interviewer - Think of a time when you got into an argument with someone. How did you handle it?
Me - As far as arguments go, I like to be non-confrontational. I like to rationalize, you know, get to the root of the problem. Like this one time I got into an argument with my friend. I decided it was best not to make things worse and I simply agreed with what he was saying. The next day I slipped some drugs into his food right before he was going in for a drug test. He failed the test and was fired from his job. He's uhh... He's not doing so well right now. Apparently addiction runs in his family.

Interviewer - I see...And where did you get these drugs?
Me - Who?

Interviewer - Right.. Never mind. Ok, think of a time when you were working in a group, what was your role in the group or how did you contribute?
Me - There was one time when me and a group of friends tried to break into my neighbor's house. My role was to serve as a lookout at the door and see if anyone was coming. Eventually I saw someone coming so I ran like hell. My friends got arrested for breaking and entering.

Interviewer - Describe a time when you helped someone who needed help even though they didn't ask for it.
Me - Hmmm.... can I tell you about all the times I didn't help people who did ask for it?

Interviewer - Think of a time when you had to make a change you didn’t like, what was it and how did you deal with it?
Me - Well, one time my family was preparing for a fancy event and my mom told me to change my pants. I felt the ones I was wearing were just fine and did not require changing. I refused to change them and my parents went without me.

Interviewer - Think of a time when you were in a group and someone wasn’t doing their part, how did you handle it and what happened?
Me - Ok. There was one time when we had to do a project for school, it was a video project. And every time we had our meetings to do the video, one person would not show up. So eventually I had to call him and tell him to haul his ass over or he was out of the group. He was uhh.. pretty heavy on the mind altering substances at the time.

Thats all I can remember from the interview. They thought it over and felt I was perfect for a position as cashier. All that was left was doing a mandatory drug test. So, the next day I drove over to the lab and did the test. Some interesting things I noticed. First, the lady made me empty my pockets before going into the bathroom. Why is this necessary? Does she think I secretly have a vile of clean urine stashed in my pocket? Yeah, I keep a couple viles of frozen urine in my freezer just for these occasions. Well, I emptied my pockets and she handed me the cup, telling me in a stern voice "you have three minutes." This scared me for a second. What if I can't provide in three minutes? What happens then? I really don't like to be pressured when it comes to stuff like this. Bathroom time is the only time I get to just relax and enjoy some quiet. Lucky for me, I had finally mastered the ancient technique of urinating on command, and filled the cup to the minimum level, saving the rest for later. And thats basically whats been going on the past few days. I am waiting now for them to call me and give me a date for the next orientation.

Weird Art

I've decided I'm going to try something new, which I like to call 'weird art'. Every week I am going to make some sort of weird or abstract thing, call it art, and post it here. For anyone reading this, participation is encouraged. Have some fun and unleash your creativity for once! Make something random and crazy, send it in and I'll post it here, along with a link to your blog or website if you have one. Anything can be considered art, as long as you put a little effort into it. So, here it is, the very first piece of 'Weird Art'.

I bet your cat can't do this

This is a video I took of my cat on my cellphone a while ago. I don't let him go outside anymore.

How cool are you? Take this survey and find out!

This is a survey to find out how cool you are. Answer every question with a 1 for Yes or Agree and a 2 for No or Disagree.

How cool are you?

1. You like to listen to rock music -
2. You have over 50 friends -
3. You pee sitting down -
4. You have a friend(thats a dude) who pees sitting down -
5. You have a friend that tells you he pees sitting down -
6. You like to intimidate old people -
7. You are intimidated by old people -
8. You wear a leather jacket all the time, regardless of the situation -
9. You like the smell of coffee in the morning -
10. The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.-
11.Peter piper picked a pickled pecker pepper porcupine(say it five times fast.)-
12. A pie in the sky is a fly in your eye(I don't know what this means either) -
13. You like to lick mysterious stains -
14. Testicles. This made you laugh -
15. You have Britney Spears exposing the doors to her baby chamber as your desktop background -
16. You have more than 50 greenlit articles on Fark.com -
17. You spend more than 10 minutes on myspace -
18. Toilet -



To find your total score, use this formula:

B is your score for all the odd numbers, A is the even numbers, and C is 2.

What does your score mean? It means you have just wasted 5 minutes of your life on the dumbest survey ever. You are now 10 IQ points dumber for having taken this survey.

P.S - Now you must send this to 15 other people within the next 24 hours. If you don't, a leprechaun will break into your house at night and rape you. Seriously. Don't ask me how I know this.

Weird Phobias

I was bored today so I decided to look up some phobias, and I sure found some weird ones.

Doxophobia- Fear of expressing opinions
Joe-"So Bob, whats your opinion on this?"
Bob-"I'm afraid I can't tell you Joe."
Joe-"Oh come on, I won't be offended."
Bob-"No really, I have a fear of expressing opinions."
Joe- "Yeah? Well you weren't afraid to tell everyone you thought my wife was sleeping around with other men".
Bob -"Well, that was a fact."

Cacophobia- Fear of ugliness
"Its nothing personal. He is just afraid of you because you are ugly."

Catoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors
A sure sign that whomever has this must be a vampire.

Chronomentrophobia- Fear of clocks
Salvador Dali's painting makes sense now.
His painting is clearly an expression of the
nightmares he had about clocks as a child.

Epistemophobia- Fear of knowledge
Wow, you would have to be pretty stupid to have this fear.

Euphobia- Fear of hearing good news
Doctor - Jeff, I have something to tell you.
Jeff - Yes, Doctor? Is it about my wife?
Doctor - Yes, I'm afraid I have some good news.
Jeff - Oh, god, no!

Eurotophobia- Fear of female genitalia
I wonder how the treatment for this one works. "You must face your fears John....."

Geniophobia- Fear of chins
Jay Leno must be the ultimate monster for anyone that has this fear.

Lockiophobia- Fear of childbirth
Can men have this?

Menophobia- Fear of menstruation
.....Can men have this?

Proctophobia- Fear of rectums
"And what do you see in these dreams?"
"Rectums, everywhere!"
"I see...."

Walloonphobia- Fear of the Walloons
What the heck is a walloon?

Well thats it. I hope you enjoyed reading it. There are tons more, I just found those to be particularly interesting.

Classmate speech Evaluation

Speech Topic - Sparta

Use of Visual Aids:

I think the visual aid was pretty effective. It was a video clip from the movie “300”, which was a damn good movie in my opinion. The action sequences were pretty awesome, and I especially liked the fat guy with the crab hands who decapitated everyone. That guy was badass!

Introduction:

Quite honestly, his introduction was awful. His attention getter was crap. It barely got my attention at all. Now, if his attention getter was literally a piece of crap, then that would have been totally nasty. What he should have done was yell “This is Spartaaaaaaaa!” And then proceed to stab the nearest person with a javelin. Now that would have been some attention getter. That also would have been a great way to connect with the audience. In this way, the audience could relate to the fear that a Persian might have felt just before being stabbed with a javelin in battle. He also established his credibility and previewed his main points, none of which I paid any attention to.

Body:

The main bulk of his speech was so boring, I had to jab myself in the neck with a pencil just to keep myself awake. Now I have an infection. The only interesting thing about his speech was when he stepped away from the podium and everyone noticed his zipper was open. That must have been embarrassing. And he noticed it too, because after he stepped back behind the podium he tried to nonchalantly slip one hand behind the podium to zip up his pants while holding his note cards in his other hand and talking about the Peloponnesian war. And yes, he cited his sources and all that other crap

Conclusion:

In conclusion, this is one of the worst speeches I have ever heard. He talked in such a slow monotonous voice I thought I could feel time slowing down. His eye contact was alright I guess. What he could have done though, was to get those cool eye contacts that make your eyes look like cat eyes or something. That would have been pretty neat. He had barely any sort of conversational tone. He was about as enthusiastic as Steven Hawking talking about anything.

Overall Delivery:

I already discussed this. No need to do it twice.

Rating:

Overall, he did a really great job…in putting me to sleep. I would give this speech a -2 out of 10. He never yelled “This is Spartaaaa!” which is something I would have expected. The only good thing about his speech was the video clip he showed, which technically doesn’t count as part of his speech.

Words of consolation

Uhh.. Just disregard my previous post for anyone who has read it. And if you are reading this first, don't even bother scrolling to read the next post. Just skip it entirely. Instead, enjoy this crappy little comic I just drew in MS Paint.

Nothing but stupid.....

Is pretty much how I am feeling right now. Ugh... Does nothing ever go right for me? I think I should call this blog "everything is crap and nothing ever goes right". I think I would break 100 posts before the month is even over if that was the theme. Hmm... Maybe I should explain why I am feeling this way right now. Its a bit strange really, how it started. Well, a few days ago I had a dream about a girl I knew from high school. Dreams are a funny thing, aren't they? I forgot about this girl a long time ago. She was in one of my classes in junior year and we were in a SAT class together for a few weeks. We didn't really have much interaction. So, randomly I have this dream where she and I hang out. At least I think it was her. I don't know why, but this dream gave me a really funny feeling, and all of a sudden I really liked her. So, I tried to find her on myspace. No luck there, even though she once told me she had one. Eventually I found her on facebook and sent her a message. Then I looked at her profile. One thing I noticed was her college graduation year was listed as '10. So, when I was in my junior year she was already in her senior year, which I didn't know at the time. Well, the deal breaker came when I saw it said she was engaged. Well, now I feel stupid for even bothering to contact her. Its weird though, that feeling left after I found her facebook, but before I read any of her info. I guess its because my memory of that dream is so vague now. But I only found this out after I had contacted her. But seriously though, doesn't she read the statistics? Engaged at 19 or 20? Marriage at that age only leads to a very quick divorce. And thats not a lie, there have been many studies that have shown this to be true. Well, I just feel like an idiot now. Why did I even bother? She is at a completely different point in her life than I am. Anyway... this was just a pointless rant to vent my frustration. Its nice when you can do that sometimes. I will try and write something funny in the next few days. But if anyone has any advice on how to end this, I would appreciate it. She replied to my message, and said she couldn't remember who I was. So I put up a picture myself, and told her I did so. So far, she hasn't replied. Maybe she still won't remember me, and it can end there.

My crazy Story Pt. 2

Well, it was Halloween yesterday. Thats as much as I will say about Halloween. Now, on to the important stuff. Here is part two of my epic tale of how Tom Cruise and the Queen of England tried to take over the world. If you haven't already, read part one first.

Before launching an attack, the Queen decided to negotiate a surrender just for laughs. So she traveled to America once again. Upon landing in Washington D.C, she requested a private chat with Bush and Cheney. "You see, the thing is every country in the world hates America," she said plainly. "If I was to rule, I could make a few changes." Cheney responded by shooting her. Again. That was the last straw in a package of very few straws. The Queen went back to England, and launched the first attack on America.

What followed was the most terrifying event in America history. Chaos broke out as an army giant....vicious...man eating....genetically engineered....Michael Moore clones began attacking innocent people in Florida. Soon they spread out, eating everything in sight and wreaking havok all throughout the country. No one was safe. People trying to get out of the country by plane were too late-the clones had taken over the airports. All traffic was stopped, and navigating the streets was difficult. Some people tried to flee to Mexico, but to no avail. Having heard about the attacks, the Mexican border patrol made sure no one made it past the border. Ironic, isn't it? The clones had taken over, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop them. If only there was someone brave enough to somehow get to England and stop the Queen...But who?

George Bush.....was not going to be one of those people. A day after the attacks began, he was eaten by a clone while trying to escape through the back window of his house. Tragic as it may seem, all hope was not lost. For in the midst of all this chaos, three heroes rose to the occasion.

Oblivious to all that was going on outside, Arnold Schwarzenegger was busy working out in his private gym. A little bit on the chunky side due to his term as governor, he was trying desperately to get back into shape. One of his biggest challenges was maintaining a proper Ass-Mass ratio, which he was measuring just before his frightened agent ran in and gave him the frightening news of the frightening events going on outside. Arnold turned on the TV and saw Cheney delivering a statement saying that it was Tom Cruise and the Queen who had launched the attacks. Arnold knew that it was up to him to once again defeat evil and save the world. But first, he would have to assemble a team to help him in his quest. And so, gathering a large assortment of baked goods, he headed out to find the only two people he knew who could help him: Lindsey Lohan, for her amazing ability to disappear by turning sideways, and Hugh Grant, to translate.

Finding Lindsey wasn't difficult. After searching through some malls and shopping centers, he accidentally found her when he tripped over a rock and fell near a crack in the ground. It turns out she had fallen through it a week ago, and no one noticed. After helping her get out, Arnold told her it was up to them to stop the invasion at it's source. She agreed, and they quickly set out to find Hugh Grant, while at the same time evading hordes of fiendish clones. By the time they got to Hugh's house, Arnold had thrown his last donut. Hugh let them in, and Arnold told him of his plans to stop Tom and the Queen. Hugh agreed to help, and this unlikely team of heroes began their journey to England.