Nothing but stupid.....

Is pretty much how I am feeling right now. Ugh... Does nothing ever go right for me? I think I should call this blog "everything is crap and nothing ever goes right". I think I would break 100 posts before the month is even over if that was the theme. Hmm... Maybe I should explain why I am feeling this way right now. Its a bit strange really, how it started. Well, a few days ago I had a dream about a girl I knew from high school. Dreams are a funny thing, aren't they? I forgot about this girl a long time ago. She was in one of my classes in junior year and we were in a SAT class together for a few weeks. We didn't really have much interaction. So, randomly I have this dream where she and I hang out. At least I think it was her. I don't know why, but this dream gave me a really funny feeling, and all of a sudden I really liked her. So, I tried to find her on myspace. No luck there, even though she once told me she had one. Eventually I found her on facebook and sent her a message. Then I looked at her profile. One thing I noticed was her college graduation year was listed as '10. So, when I was in my junior year she was already in her senior year, which I didn't know at the time. Well, the deal breaker came when I saw it said she was engaged. Well, now I feel stupid for even bothering to contact her. Its weird though, that feeling left after I found her facebook, but before I read any of her info. I guess its because my memory of that dream is so vague now. But I only found this out after I had contacted her. But seriously though, doesn't she read the statistics? Engaged at 19 or 20? Marriage at that age only leads to a very quick divorce. And thats not a lie, there have been many studies that have shown this to be true. Well, I just feel like an idiot now. Why did I even bother? She is at a completely different point in her life than I am. Anyway... this was just a pointless rant to vent my frustration. Its nice when you can do that sometimes. I will try and write something funny in the next few days. But if anyone has any advice on how to end this, I would appreciate it. She replied to my message, and said she couldn't remember who I was. So I put up a picture myself, and told her I did so. So far, she hasn't replied. Maybe she still won't remember me, and it can end there.

My crazy Story Pt. 2

Well, it was Halloween yesterday. Thats as much as I will say about Halloween. Now, on to the important stuff. Here is part two of my epic tale of how Tom Cruise and the Queen of England tried to take over the world. If you haven't already, read part one first.

Before launching an attack, the Queen decided to negotiate a surrender just for laughs. So she traveled to America once again. Upon landing in Washington D.C, she requested a private chat with Bush and Cheney. "You see, the thing is every country in the world hates America," she said plainly. "If I was to rule, I could make a few changes." Cheney responded by shooting her. Again. That was the last straw in a package of very few straws. The Queen went back to England, and launched the first attack on America.

What followed was the most terrifying event in America history. Chaos broke out as an army giant....vicious...man eating....genetically engineered....Michael Moore clones began attacking innocent people in Florida. Soon they spread out, eating everything in sight and wreaking havok all throughout the country. No one was safe. People trying to get out of the country by plane were too late-the clones had taken over the airports. All traffic was stopped, and navigating the streets was difficult. Some people tried to flee to Mexico, but to no avail. Having heard about the attacks, the Mexican border patrol made sure no one made it past the border. Ironic, isn't it? The clones had taken over, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop them. If only there was someone brave enough to somehow get to England and stop the Queen...But who?

George Bush.....was not going to be one of those people. A day after the attacks began, he was eaten by a clone while trying to escape through the back window of his house. Tragic as it may seem, all hope was not lost. For in the midst of all this chaos, three heroes rose to the occasion.

Oblivious to all that was going on outside, Arnold Schwarzenegger was busy working out in his private gym. A little bit on the chunky side due to his term as governor, he was trying desperately to get back into shape. One of his biggest challenges was maintaining a proper Ass-Mass ratio, which he was measuring just before his frightened agent ran in and gave him the frightening news of the frightening events going on outside. Arnold turned on the TV and saw Cheney delivering a statement saying that it was Tom Cruise and the Queen who had launched the attacks. Arnold knew that it was up to him to once again defeat evil and save the world. But first, he would have to assemble a team to help him in his quest. And so, gathering a large assortment of baked goods, he headed out to find the only two people he knew who could help him: Lindsey Lohan, for her amazing ability to disappear by turning sideways, and Hugh Grant, to translate.

Finding Lindsey wasn't difficult. After searching through some malls and shopping centers, he accidentally found her when he tripped over a rock and fell near a crack in the ground. It turns out she had fallen through it a week ago, and no one noticed. After helping her get out, Arnold told her it was up to them to stop the invasion at it's source. She agreed, and they quickly set out to find Hugh Grant, while at the same time evading hordes of fiendish clones. By the time they got to Hugh's house, Arnold had thrown his last donut. Hugh let them in, and Arnold told him of his plans to stop Tom and the Queen. Hugh agreed to help, and this unlikely team of heroes began their journey to England.

Why I hate making phone calls

Well, its not so much that I hate making phone calls, its just that every time I call someone things always seem to go wrong. For some reason I can never recognize the voice of the person who picks up the phone. I don't know why. There is face blindness, and there is phone voice blindness. And for people who have face blindness, you know how hard it can be. Sometimes regardless of who picks up the phone, I ask if I can speak to the person whom I wish to talk to. Other times, I think I know who it is and just start talking while the other person is confused as hell. Then I realize my mistake, quickly hang up, and sit in a corner and feel stupid. This could last anywhere from 10 minutes to many many hours until I can finally move on. A recent example:

*dials number*.....
Mysterious Voice: Hello?
Me: Hey, whats up?
Mysterious Voice: Uh... hi?
Me: So.. whats going on?
Mysterious Voice: Who is this?
Me: Oh, what.. Err.. this is Gary.*Now I start to panic* Uhh... are you Chris, is Chris there?
Mysterious Voice: (What I Heard) This is his girlfriend. (What he really said) He is with his girlfriend.
Me: *Thinking he said the former, as a joke* Very funny, you are not.
Mysterious Voice: What?
Me: Oh, you said.. He is with his girlfriend?
Mysterious Voice: Yeah.
Me: Oh, well I don't know when to call back. I'm just calling to say happy birthday, because its his birthday today, if you can just tell him I called.
Mysterious Voice: Ok, I'll tell him you called.
*Click*

So, who was this mysterious voice? It was his dad. I thought about it after the call, and it definitely sounded like his voice. My friend has some brothers too, which is why I was confused at first. I thought it might have been one of his brothers who had answered the phone. They like to joke around, which is why I heard "this is his girlfriend" and didn't think much about it. I'm sure his dad doesn't have that kind of sense of humor. Overall, that was a pretty awkward call, which is the point I'm trying to make. Now I feel like sitting in that corner. I don't know, maybe I am thinking too much into this? Maybe I just need to work on my communication skills a little more. Oh well, whatever.

If you could interview God.....

Well, this really feels like a professional blog now, because, for no reason whatsoever, I am going to promote a book. This book sounds like a really great read. It's called "The Louie/God Interviews (What The Big Fella Really Thinks About Man And The Universe)" by Louie Lawent. Here is a neat description of the book: Are the days of "God speaks to Man" a relic of the past? Not according to Louie Lawent, who at the turn of the new millennium landed a series of exclusive interviews with The Supreme Being. Louie grills God about his checkered career, but it's done benignly and a frustrated Creator makes a good case for himself - well, most of the time. The interviews cover biblical happenings, His propensity to smite, evolution, pop culture, and a God who believes He's the victim of a disinformation campaign. It's "The Far Side" meets "The Thinker" meets the "Frat Boy." A God who considered creation "a good day in the hood."

What Hollywood director would God choose to direct his life story? What part do the Three Stooges play in the Rapture? What about his pet peeves? How do Americans amaze God? What's his favorite political joke? Did the aliens really land at Roswell? A God not exactly enamored by the human race.

Louie: What is your real opinion of people?

God: They're like radio songs that are fine for the car ride home, but you'd never purchase them to be part of your master collection.

Louie: Do you have a guidebook to help make your decisions on Judgment
Day?

God: The Starr Report is any good God's starting point.

God remarks, "I don't think I could be elected God. I'd lose to some would-be savior who said, 'Read my lips - No more sense of shame.' We have occasional pep rallies in heaven. While years ago they sang rousing psalms of 'God for eternity' now I get a qualified endorsement of '4 more years, 4 more years.'"

Also, I got an exclusive e-mail interview with the man himself who interviewed the man himself:

First, the basic question. What inspired you to write this book?
"I'm probably no different than many people in that I've wondered if there truly is a God. Do we believe in the truthfulness of the writers of the bible. Science tells us the world is 13 to 14 billion years old, while the bible tells us that the world is less than 7000 years old. How can this be reconciled? I find it interesting that in the 2nd Epistle general of Peter, a verse says "For we have not followed cunningly devised fables, when we made known unto you the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, but were eyewitnesses of his majesty." So, even then there were concerns of whether fact or fiction was in play. But, in addition to my deep philosophical questions, I've always had an absurd sense of humor so the thought of combining my interest in God and the craziness of our world proved irresistible."

When you first contacted God, how did he feel about the interview?
"First of all, it took forever to talk to Him. I had to jump through a lot of hoops. I was vetted by His investigators, but eventually I won them over. God wanted an advance copy of the questions but I was firm and told him "Louie don't play that." He was concerned that the intent of the interview was to show Him in a bad light. I assured him that I simply wanted Him to have a forum to express His views. It was either me or the NY Times and He knew he'd get a fairer hearing from me. He was fed up with their editorials."

Before the interview, what were your expectations? In the end, did it turn out how you expected, or did you get some surprises?
"One thing that surprised me was His description of what He looked like when He was born. It was shocking. Your readers will have to find out for themselves once they read the book. I don't want to spoil it for them."

How was it interviewing the big guy himself? Were you a little starstruck at first?
"Yes I was starstruck. The biggest interview I snared before this was a slow-moving milkman with a bad case of fungus."

In your interview with God, did he at all mention Jesus? What has he been up to these days besides appearing in fence posts and sandwiches? Whats the deal with that anyway?
"Jesus is on a sabbatical. As far as the fenceposts, God had no comment."

How do you think people will view God after reading this book? Do you think their opinion will change, and if so for better or for worse?
"I think people will have a deeper belief in God. They will see how tough the Big Guy has it. He gets grief from all sides."

Now that you've interviewed God, who will be next on your list? Maybe....Satan perhaps?
"The milkman's wife."

And thats pretty much it. Exciting stuff, I think. So if you are interested, go and check out his book.

Bio & Book Info: Louie is also the author of "Gerty the Pig". A co-written pop rock song of his, entitled "Pop Star" (performed & co-written by Billy Livesay) is currently being played on U.S. radio stations. "The Louie/God Interviews (What The Big Fella Really Thinks About Man And The Universe)" is available online at Amazon and Barnes&Noble and may be ordered at your local book store. Check out his myspace page at www.myspace.com/louielawent

Global Warming - The Silent Killer

This is a rough draft of my paper on global warming. Enjoy.

The environment is a serious issue which should not be taken lightly. Without the environment, many life-forms would not be able to exist, including humans. Humans need the environment to survive, but paradoxilicilaly they are also destroying it. One aspect of the environment that is being destroyed is the atmosphere. This destruction of the atmosphere can be called Global Warming (dun dun dun… scary music). Global warming is the warming of the global temperature. (This is all I can think of, so here is the thesis statement.) The future effects of global warming on the environment could be devastating if the U.S and other developed countries do not take certain measures to reduce emissions of harmful gasses into the atmosphere.
What is global warming? Repeating myself, global warming is the warming of the earth’s global temperature. Once again, for clarification, it is the warming of the earth’s global temperature. Al Gore did a documentary on Global Warming (dun dun dun.. scary music) called “An inconvenient truth”. In this documentary, Al Gore talks about this phenomenon and discusses its effects. During the movie, he rode in this really cool elevator thing which he used to show how high the temperatures went up over a long period of time. He went up pretty high, so that’s saying something. There is also something called the greenhouse effect. This effect demonstrates the basics of Global Warming (dun dun dun.. scary music). So, here is the way this works. It really is pretty simple. Not a hard concept to grasp. In this greenhouse effect, there is a glass house( in which, as you know, stone throwing is discouraged) and in this glass house are various plants. The sun heats up the inside of the house, and the glass keeps the hot air from escaping. This is how global warming works, only humans are the plants. But what are the plants then? Well, that is a subject for a different paper. Now that you understand the concepts of Global Warming (dun dun dun.. scary music) I will discuss how it affects us humans and animals and other stuff too.
What sorts of things has global warming affected? Well, as Al Gore stated,"Global warming will be the greatest environmental challenge in the 21st century." In my opinion, I agree with this statement. Anyway, what has global warming affected? For one thing, it has melted the ice caps( icecaps.com). It has also melted a lot of icebergs and such. This is both good and bad. A good thing is that now we can have another Titanic and not have to worry about hitting an iceberg. But a bad thing is that the ice melts into water, which adds to the water already there and this could cause floods and thousands dead(that was a sentence fragment, and no, I will not consider revising it). Another thing global warming affects is weather. Some sources say global warming has resulted in stronger storms. This is evidenced by the stronger storms we have had in recent years. Also,(insert some data and statistics here). This basically proves everything I have stated so far.
Global warming also has serious effects on other things as well. One of these seriously affected things is animals/plants. How exactly does global warming affect these things? Well, for one thing, the flooding in Antarctica due to global warming has already drowned thousands of penguins and polar bears. Think of all those poor penguins. Their life is hard enough as it is, what with having to make a trip all the way across Antarctica to birth their babies, and then this global warming happens and makes things even harder.
Not only are animals affected, but plants are affected as well. Some plants can only thrive in a certain climate. Because of global warming, the temperature rises and the plants either have to adapt or they die out. This in turn causes a domino effect. If the plants die, then the animals who eat those plants die as well. The natural balance of nature is disturbed, which causes a wormhole to open up in the middle of the earth and suck everything into it.
What are some possible ways to combat global warming? Well, physically there is no way, because global warming is not a single entity. But there may be ways to thwart global warming by not giving it what it feeds on. Namely, carbons dioxide. More and more of these carbons are entering the atmosphere and feeding global warming. Global warming in turn digests this and excretes a gas which traps heat. Once we stop feeding global warming, it will shrivel up and die. So, where does global warming get its nourishment? From us humans, of course. From our cars, our power stations, and aerosol cans. If we can find a ways to regulate the expansion of these gases, maybe we could stop global warming in its tracks, and eventually run it off the tracks and into a ditch from which it will never be able to get out of.
In conclusion, everything I said is true and was in no way made up, fabricated, or exaggerated. If you don’t believe me, just look/go to www.google.com and look it up. Its all there.

Some toilet humor

Ok, So here I am sitting at my computer in my room minding my own business. I hear my dad coming out of the bathroom. Suddenly he busts into my room. "Have you been in the bathroom lately? Go in there and smell it." You can probably imagine what I was thinking. "Look dad, I know you are proud of everything that comes out of your body, but I really wish you would keep these things to yourself." Ok, I didn't really say that. But I was certainly thinking it. What really happened was I went inside and found the smell was coming from the cat's litter box. Go figure. I am so used to that smell I don't even notice when the cat drops an especially pungent deuce. I cleaned it up and that was the end of that. But the image of my dad yelling "go smell your bathroom" right after coming out of there will forever stay with me as the most hilarious thing ever.

Fire alarms, pizza, and copy machines

Lets see... Lots of interesting stuff going on.

• First, I stayed up 'till 2 a.m Wednesday working on a term paper. Ugh. Procrastination is the worst. I think procrastination should be classified as a mental illness. I think it would be fair to say about someone, "I'm afraid there is nothing we can do for him, m'am. He is suffering from a very serious case of procrastination." And then maybe in ten or twenty years they will develop a vaccine. Yeah, right.

• Anyway, the next morning I got to college early so I could photocopy all my sources. As usual, I had some trouble with the copy machine. Sometimes the pages came out with words cut off from either the top of the page or the left side. At other times the damn thing spit out a huge sheet that had both pages of the book on it when I only wanted to copy one. Eventually the copy machine got jammed so I went on to the one next to it. Things were going well until a man and a girl came over to use the jammed machine. Naturally, I didn't say anything as they unsuspectingly came up to it and attempted to use it. Very soon they realized something wasn't working and tried to figure out what was wrong with it. As for me, I innocently stood there copying my pages, trying to ignore them. What was I supposed to say? "Uhh.. yeah, hey, I broke that one. Sorry". They even asked me if I knew anything about copying machines. I said I didn't. But they got it working in the end.

• Thursday was also health day at the college. They were giving massages and handing out some free stuff, like deodorant and tampons, for which there was a big line. They were also giving out Italian ices and pizza. Pizza, of all foods to give out on health day. Thats just something that puzzled me. Well, actually they give out pizza at every event, but this time it just didn't seem to fit. But I guess pizza is pretty much a universal food. It can be served on any occasion. Hanukkah? Pizza. Thanksgiving? Pizza. Weddings? Screw the shrimp cocktails, bring on the pizza! But what about funerals? Damn right, there better be pizza. Well, you get the point.
  

• And finally, someone allegedly pulled the fire alarm during my science class. Ridiculous isn't it? We are in college and someone is still pulling the fire alarm. I heard that when you pull the alarm it sprays ink onto your hand. Thats pretty cool, but thats not really useful. What if the perpetrator simply puts their hands in their pocket? Or, what if he has already foreseen this scenario and has some moist towelettes ready for quick ink removal? That just doesn't work. What they really need to do is lace the handle with a flesh-eating bacteria. Ha, lets see anyone try and wash that off. This will easily expose the perpetrator. All you have to do is look for the guy with the nasty dilapidated hand.

Well thats all for now, part 2 of my story will be posted soon if anyone cares.