A timeless classic

How Tom Cruise and The Queen of England Tried to Take over the World - Pt 1

It all started on quiet Saturday morning. The Queen of England had flown in to Washington D.C to discuss international affairs with the President. At the same time, Tom Cruise's new movie Misson Impossible III premiered in theatres. All was going well until Bush suggested he and Cheney take the Queen on a hunting trip. Seeing as it was a Saturday and the Queen didn't have any other plans, she agreed. That's when it all started. First Bush offended the Queen when he asked if she had any "wang money" he could add to his coin collection. And then he started "Santa Claus is Coming to Town". Needless to say, it all went down the crapper when Dick Cheney shot the Queen. His excuse? From far away she looked like a mountain lion. Anyone would be furious if they got shot, and the Queen was no exception. After extensive facial reconstruction surgery, she packed all her things and stormed off back to England. The next day, she declared war on America.
Things weren't going well for Tom Cruise either. MI3 didn't do so well in the box office, and Tom's image was further soiled by his antics on 'Oprah', where he ate an entire sofa cushion. Angry at the world and with nothing left to lose but his dignity, Tom decided to take over the world and make everyone follow Scientology. But first he had to figure out a plan. So he gathered all ten followers of Scientology and told them his idea....He was on his own from then on. What would he do without his followers? Tom had to think. So he went to his house, gathered a bunch of random crap and started rearranging it into different shapes. First he made a T. Then he made a P. Finally after several more attempts he made a Q. Thats when his ceiling collapsed onto his head and, after extensive facial reconstruction surgery, Tom decided to join forces with the Queen and take over America. And so Tom packed his bags and flew to Germany. Then he realized he was in the wrong place and a day later finally arrived in England. The Queen was highly guarded, so Tom had to utilize all the skills he learned from making his mission impossible movies to break in. After several failed attempts to recreate the stunts he did in his movies, Tom realized that this was real life. So instead he simply went in through the front door. Conveniently, the Queen was a big fan of Tom Cruise's movies and let him in. Tom was glad to meet the Queen and didn't waste any time getting to business. After some tea and crumpets, Tom laid out his plans for the Queen. This is what his plan consisted of so far:

Planz to take ovr the Wurld by Tom Cruise
Step 1. Take over World
Step 2. Profit

And with that, they began their takeover.

What is going on today?

A rarity occurred today the likes of which I have never seen. Some person was rude to the professor in two of my classes today. The first instance happened in my environmental science class. A woman's cell-phone rang so she ran out of class to take the call(kind of rude there, but thats not really the issue). When she comes back the professor asks to see her after class. Then all of a sudden this loudmouth woman sitting next to me yells out, "why doesn't she have to leave class? That other girl had to leave class when her cell phone rang. Thats discrimination". And at that point I just thought to myself, 'oh, here we go....' The professor calmly asks her to leave as she is being rude. The woman refuses and continues on, "I'm not leaving. You can call security and give me a zero, I know the drill. I'm not moving".
Why?? Why must people behave this way? In what manner does this concern her at all? If the girl who had to leave when her cellphone went off felt it was some sort of discrimination, she could talk to the professor privately after class and resolve the issue. Who does this woman think she is, some sort of hero or vigilante, who stands up for the little guy? No, this is a woman who didn't take her crazy pills before coming to class. Now, I am not some teacher's pet or anything, who always gets straight A's and defends the teacher no matter what. But the man never raises his voice. He is never rude to any student, and treats everyone with respect. So why disrespect him in such a manner and waste everyone else's class time? He had to leave for about ten minutes to go get the Dean or someone who later came into class and asked to speak to the woman in private.
This is not middle school or high school. That woman is about 40 years old. Her daughter goes to the same college. And yet she behaves in such an immature way. While talking to someone else she suggested "if that guy wants to read his newspaper, he should be allowed to read his newspaper". Yes, why don't we all just do our own thing while the professor draws doodles on the board. Ridiculous. So thats that story.
The other one isn't really important. The point is, if you have some sort of problem, don't make a spectacle of yourself arguing with the teacher in the middle of class. Or something like that.

Some more thoughts I just thunk up

I have to do an informative speech soon and I haven't decided on a topic yet. I do have a few ideas though. So far I am juggling between bird flu, leprosy, flesh eating bacteria, and venereal diseases. My decision will pretty much be based on which search results will yield the funniest pictures.

I've noticed that a lot of the time when people are angry at each other they start yelling and spewing profanities. This is definitely the wrong way to deal with your emotions. Yelling and getting all stressed and frustrated will get you nowhere. As soon as you start getting angry at someone, just imagine yourself on a beautiful sandy beach, burying the person you are angry at. Or, just think about the many ways you could murder this person in his/her sleep. So the next time you are in an argument and you notice the person you are arguing with suddenly gets a big smile on their face, don't worry. He/she is probably just thinking about how you get stabbed in the ass with a rusty fork whilst showering.(Please note - Not recommended for people with impulsive personalities.)

Here's something I bet y'all didn't think about. Out of all the greek gods and goddesses, there is not one mention of the Goddess Hermaphroditee. We all know about the goddess Aphrodite, so why no mention of her brother/sister? Its not fair, really. Just because of his/her condition he/she gets less respect and recognition than the other gods. Perhaps there weren't that many hermaphrodites back then that required Hermaphroditee's services. Or maybe thats how hermaphrodites originated, from Hermaphroditee her/himself, and because of that he/she got shunned by the other gods. Maybe someone should write a story about this. "Hermaphroditee, God or Goddess? Could be both".

Hmm... thats pretty much it for now. More to come in the next few days.

Life lesson #109

Never leave your artwork within reach of children. Ever.

What the People are Saying

Although this blog is fairly new, I have already gotten some emails from people telling me what they think of my blog. And.... well, some of the comments are a bit disheartening, some are nice, and some are just plain bizarre. Here is what the people have been saying:

• "Dude, cool blog yo. Rock on!" - Timmy G. Thanks Tim, I appreciate that.
• "Ok, so its like this. I like what yur saying, but like, what does it all mean? What does anything mean? wHY are we even here? Damn... im high right now. peace. - Michael B. Ok.. well.. thanks for the kind words Mike.
• "I'm stealing all of your ideas for my next book and there isn't anything you can do about it! Ha!" - Brad Writerson. Ok. Its going to be a pretty crappy book though.
• "Hi, very best blog! I recommend Vanx Brand penis enlargement pills. They are cheapest and work great!" - No name. So... to which of my posts is this referring to?
• "Your blog arouses me sexually" - Tina. Hmm.. not quite sure how to take this one.
• "OMFGlolpenisvaginaXoXOxo" - Glen. Uhhh... Thanks?

It pretty much goes downhill from there. The rest are mostly incoherent and/or are advertisements for various enhancement drugs.So now it feels like all of this is going to waste. But hopefully not. Maybe there are real people out there reading this. People who care. People who can express themselves in a fashion that doesn't include nonsensical phrases and profanities. Hey, a guy can dream.

That time I tried to sell a bent spoon on Ebay....

In yet another futile and foolish attempt to gain national fame from making millions off of a seemingly worthless item on Ebay, I tried to sell a spoon that I claimed I bent with my mind. I even spent hours writing up a crazy story to go along with it. Nothing. Oh well, maybe my creative efforts haven't gone to waste completely. I can still post it on here, thereby making my job as blogger that much easier.

What you are bidding on is this spoon I bent with mind. Yes, thats right. A spoon I bent with my mind. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? I think so too.Maybe I'm crazy. I'm not even really sure how it happened. One second I was sitting there eating my cereal, and the next thing I know there is milk and cheerios on my lap. So I cleaned myself up and finished eating. Then It happened. My cat had once again vomited on the carpet. This really annoyed me because just a few days ago I spent two hours cleaning that same carpet of my own vomit. So after I was finished with the carpet I decided it was time to check my email. Nothing interesting, just spam. But then this one email caught my attention. It said "think you have psychic abilities? Click here to find out!11@#43! I thought to myself "I doubt it, and if i did i would have figured it out by now" and exited out of my email. The next thing on my to-do was to empty the dishwater of all the clean dishes and then put the dirty ones in. This is one of my least favorite dish-related activities. *Notice I typed "dishwater" instead of "Dishwasher" You didn't? Look again. Its funny, I didn't even notice the first time I typed it. I must have spaced out or something. I won't change it though, it'll be interesting to see how many people caught that the first time*. Anyway, back to my story. After taking care of the dishes I went for a drive to the grocery store. *At this point you may be wondering how any of this is relevant to the spoon I bent with my mind. Thats ok, don't worry about it. You will understand soon enough.* At the grocery store I picked a really crappy cart which kept veering off to the left whenever I tried to go forward(which was quite often my direction of choice) This resulted in me bumping into a lot things like some drunk guy. When it came time to pay I took out my wallet and noticed a dollar bill on which the face of Jesus had appeared. This freaked me out so I ripped it up and threw it away. What a waste of a dollar. Later I realized it was actually the face of first president George Washington, and not in fact, the face of Jesus as I had originally thought. Definatly a waste of a dollar. On my way home I stopped by taco bell and ordered some kind of burrito and a drink. I had a bit of misfortune, when the cup they provided me with leaked out all of the sprite right after I had poured it in. That upset me a little, but not as much as it upset the lady who had to clean it up. She kept glaring at me with her good eye, while the other one sort of stared at the floor. Then I made a quick trip to the gas station to fill up the tank. Finally, with the burrito leaving a satisfying feeling in my stomach and a full tank of gas, I headed for home. There wasn't much I did after that. I watched some TV, did some arm thrusts, and read one of seven books about a boy wizard. At 8:30pm at night, it was time for bed and one last snack. So, I grabbed a yogurt and a spoon from the fridge and hopped into bed. Then mysterious things started happening. The yogurt I had gotten was with strawberries, but the one I wanted was "mixed berries", which merely contained strawberries along with other berries of a mixed variety. Then, as I was taking a spoonful of yogurt, something started happening to the spoon. It began to heat up and melt in my hand like silly putty. The yogurt slopped onto my pillow, and I was to entranced to notice I had later slept in it. I have no idea how it happened. I guess its just one of those mysteries of life. Thats pretty much the story. Anyway, I don't want this spoon anymore. It really is of no use to me. Its all bent. I washed it though, so its clean. But I somehow bent it with my mind, so it must have some special value to it that no other normally bent spoon has.

18 at last, hooray!

A few days ago I finally turned 18. What a wonderful day it was. I finally feel like an adult. Just think of all the new things I will be able to do now:

• After years of waiting I will finally be able to sit at the adult table. No longer will I have to endure sitting at a small crummy little table discussing the latest episode of Spongebob. I can sit with the adults and laugh along with them, all the while realizing that eventually I will be going through all the aspects of adult life: credit card debt, hair loss, and living alone.
• Now I can click on all those "must be 18 to click" banner ads that always look so tantalizing.
• I can finally buy that steam iron that I've always wanted.
  
• Now I can finally vote!( But I probably never will)

But now that I think about it.... I don't really want to be 18. All these new responsibilities and expectations people have of you. Who wants any of that? I certainly don't. Sure, you can get married and purchase cigarettes. But in many states you can get married at an earlier age anyway so it doesn't matter. And cigarettes are only good for you when you are under 17 and you know you can stop at any time but you just don't feel like it. Once you hit 18 you realize it is a life-long addiction and in the long run you are slowly killing yourself. But hey, thats just how I feel about it.